At a crossroads

I knew this was coming. Still, I feel woefully unprepared for it. For the past few days my mind has been filled with a stressful mix of reflection, hope, self-doubt, confidence, and uncertainty. I'm trying as hard as I can to make sense of it all....but my efforts are futile.

Tomorrow, I will officially start the "job hunt." My best effort at a resume tape (sure be revised several times in the near future) is complete. Applications will be moving through the postal system by mid-week. That said...I'm still as confused as ever. I'm trying to take three seemingly contradictory themes...and put them into some sort of order. It isn't easy. It's nearly impossible.

First...I love Montana. I don't know what it is about this state, but I'm hooked. I love the mountains. I love the people. I love the towns. I love the nooks & crannies. I love it all. I suppose I could be a Montanan for the rest of my life and be perfectly content. "So just stay there," you say. Ahh...if only it were that easy.

Second...While I love Montana, there isn't much keeping me here. I realize I'm terribly close to contradicting myself. I don't know how else to describe it. I've found wonderful things in this state but I've yet to find something BIG or SIGNIFICANT to keep me here. I have good friends. But that's not the same as a tight, close circle of friends. I have no significant other. I'm not looking for pity but in a sense...I'm a little lonely here. In other words...I need CHANGE. I'm not sure what kind. I just need some sort of change. I need to shake things up. I'm stagnant. Maybe a minor change, maybe a giant change. I just need some variation of it.

Third...I want to grow professionally. Small market television is....well...amusing to say the least. There's only so far you can take your abilities. I want to see what I'm made of. "So move on," you say. Ahh...if only it were that easy. This is where I go back to loving Montana. I don't know about city life. I'm extremely skeptical. I'm also skeptical of anywhere without mountains. I don't know if I can handle that.

So yeah...that's where I am right now. Perhaps no one will want me...and I'll be forced to stay in Montana to simply keep a job. Then again...that would also probably depress me.