Their Way

Three tiered “tree stump” serving platters. That’s what did it for me. Not the pie in place of wedding cake (although that was unique and delicious). Not the backdrop of Mt. Gould and Mt. Wilbur (although the view was stunning). Not the Red Bus ride before and after the ceremony (although that was pretty cool). Not the wedding dress the bride made herself (although it was beautiful). Not the suspenders and hats the groomsmen wore (although that was a stroke of genius). Not even one of my best friends acting as officiator (although that was bizarre yet fitting all at the same time). It was the log serving platters. They were such a minor touch. Yet they solidified things for me. Ron & Jessie’s wedding was a memorable thing to witness…let alone be a part of. Four summers in Glacier National Park transformed me. I think I’ve gone over that ad nauseum. But it’s done just as much, if not more, for the life-long friends I found there. I first met Ron in 2002. We were just acquaintances at first. But over the next four years, we grew into good friends. I first met Jessie during my last summer…in 2005. It’s the same story with her. We became closer the longer we knew each other. They are just two examples of how the park brought some special people into my life. But for Ron and Jessie, it was even better. They met each other In Glacier and eventually fell in love. None of what I experienced can top that. It’s only fitting they got married in Glacier. It was simply the only appropriate place they could do it…the “right” way to go about things. But they didn’t only do it the “right” way. They also did it “their” way. That’s what impressed me so much. In the beginning, I was worried about the disorganization and lack of specifics. They’re both well aware of what I’m talking about so I know I’m not offending them. But I noticed something happening in the days leading up to the ceremony. It was slowly donning on me just how perfect things really were. The final realization didn’t come until right before the ceremony. I saw Dave going over his notes and preparing to marry two of his best friends. (Dave is a de facto father of our quirky group and there was simply no one more fitting to fill that important role). I finally donned the suspenders and hat I was supposed to wear for the wedding. (I knew the look Ron was going for but I wasn't sure I could actually pull it off). I marveled at the homemade dress Jessie wore. (Jessie is crafty individual and I had been wondering what her vision of a wedding dress looked like). I saw the wedding party being transported in a Red Jammer bus. (The “Reds” are one of the many unofficial symbols of the park and there’s no better mode of transportation to choose in this scenario). I looked up and noticed the incredible backdrop of the Many Glacier Valley. (The valley’s mountains were the backdrop to our seasonal lives and this new chapter simply had to take place beneath them). I saw the pies being placed on a table in place of a wedding cake. (The pies from Park Café were a dessert staple for anyone who lived and worked in Glacier). Then I saw those serving platter logs. I never would have had the forethought to include those in wedding plans. Much like a wedding cake is tiered, these logs were different sizes. On the highest one sat a fresh strawberry pie…the king of pies for my friends and I. All I could do was grin from ear to ear. This was a damn cool wedding.

Pointless

I always feel the urge to write. I just can't ever figure out how to put the thoughts swimming in my mind into words. Sometimes, I imagine it's like a tsunami. We've all seen video of what a tsunami can do. Imagine the water mixing with debris of all kinds until it becomes a thick soup of unrecognizable crud. Now imagine trying to sort through all of it and organizing it in some way. Sometimes, that's what the task of writing feels like to me. It's just too damn complicated to lay it all out in a way that's understandable and creative. So I give up before I even write the first word.

Just thought I'd let you know that I do try when it comes to this blog. I just usually fail most of the time.

I've got a feelin'

Everything about moving to Portland has felt right.

The right time.

The right place.

The right job.

I remember the feeling I've had before moving to a new place. Whether it was Glacier National Park, New Zealand, Bozeman, or Boise...I was nervous. I was apprehensive. I was unsure. Yes, I was excited. But excitement can be drowned out by uneasiness. In every place that I've gone, I've found something good. But there was always the apprehension beforehand.

Portland is the first place I've arrived in and felt completely at ease. (Job jitters are a different story. I had those...but thankfully they're gone now). It just felt right to be here. I've certainly had a lot on my mind but nearly all of that is from the past. It's all from where I WAS. Nothing about where I AM makes me uneasy.

I've only been here about 7 weeks. But I already have some good friends. The job is going well. I don't have much to complain about. In fact, I've got a lot to be excited for. I really have no idea what's in store for me. But I just have a feeling it's going to be good.

I remember a documentary I saw a long time ago. It was all about Ronald Reagan. Something stuck out at me from that documentary that I think about all the time. One of Reagan's daughters was asked what she admired about her father. She said that he was simply comfortable in his own skin. It kind of blindsided me. I was NOT comfortable in my own skin...and I was jealous of anyone who was. Fast forward to last weekend. I was sitting inside the apartment of a new friend I've made here. A group of us were having dinner and drinking wine. Suddenly a smile spread across my face and a thought popped into my head. "You're life's gonna change here," I said silently to myself. "It won't be long before you're comfortable in your own skin."

I feel good about what's happening in my life. But more than anything, I feel good about being happy with myself. It's been a long time coming...and while I'm not entirely there just yet...I've got a feelin' that it's coming soon.

Settling in

Three full weeks in Portland.

Two full weeks at the new job.

One full week in my new apartment.

Things are...okay. I'm not miserable. I'm not euphoric. I'm decent. I honestly couldn't ask for anything better. Adjustment is never easy. It's never as bad as some people think either. It's just a matter of..."doing."

Some people have told me that they like my writing. They say they have been entertained and intrigued by my blog. Most of the time, I don't see it. There will be an occasional blog entry that I look back on and think, "hmm...that was pretty good." But I'm not usually that impressed with the words I "put down on paper." I am, however, always finding some good gems from other people.

I don't remember how I stumbled across a blog called Nothing But Bonfires. I know it was a while ago. I came across one particular entry in which the author described her move to San Francisco. Take a gander.

I can't think of a better way to describe how that move to San Francisco happened, how things just do happen, no matter how long you lie awake worrying about them. Sure, you can obsess about what you'll do when you get to a city you don't have any ties to, how you'll go about the complicated process of putting down roots, setting up camp, getting over hurdles. But in the end, time keeps ticking, things have to be done, and you do them. You get on the plane. You look for an apartment. You find a job, you go to the DMV, you make some friends to share your secrets with over bottles of wine you can suddenly afford. There's no choir of angels, no thunderbolt from above, no round of applause as you segue from scared to settled. Everything simply begins. And then you just keep going.

I can't think of a better way to illustrate how I feel right now. There's just one difference. The author wrote that passage after a good amount of time spent in her new place. I'm only a couple weeks in. I guess it's going okay.

I'm still nervous.

I'm still unsure.

I'm still holding on to things I need to let go of.

But I'm making good progress. I'm still going. There's really no other option.

Bridgetown

I'm making a concerted effort to get this blog back up and running after the 4-month unintentional hiatus I put it through. Inevitably, while pondering what to write, I've gotten lost in past entries. I wrote this blog post about Portland back in October. I had completely forgotten about it. I find it kind of eerie since I'm now living in Portland. (Day 2 to be exact).

I'm liking the city a lot. I'm still living with friends but a new apartment is just around the corner. I think I've found one. I applied for it and I should know by the weekend. It's not my ideal place. My preferred location is in the Pearl District. Unfortunately, the Pearl District is pricey. I simply can't afford it. Actually, I might be able to afford it. But I wouldn't be able to afford any leisure activities...like drinking vodka/sodas on a Friday night.

Regardless of where I end up living...I'm here. Which makes me think this place was meant to be all along. And, like I referred to in the post before this, I had to learn a couple lessons before I was ready to finally be here.

Also...the aforementioned entry on Portland was titled "Rip City." It's a lesser known nickname of the city. I liked it back then. I don't anymore. My new preferred nickname is Bridgetown. The bridges in this city are awesome.

Authentically unstuck

As this post gets published to my blog, I will be driving a U-Haul truck out Boise. With my Jeep in tow, I'll be on my way to Portland, Oregon...where a new chapter in life is waiting to be written. I'm excited. I'm optimistic. I'm ready for it. But I've got a heavy heart. This change of course is 16 long, emotional, draining months in the making.

On January 1, 2010, I wrote this:

Dear Boise,

It's not you, it's me. I know that's a horrible cliche to refer to when loosening ties with someone...but it's true. You're cute. You're charming. You're vibrant. You provide a quality of life that most people across the country probably don't experience. You're filled with good, honest people who love you for what you give them...a wonderful place to call home. In all honesty, I can't find a single thing wrong with you. So why would I want to break up with you? I already told you why. It's not you. It's me. That's all I can say. I'm sorry.

Love, Lincoln

I've had a lot on my mind the past several months. I haven't really opened up, on this blog at least, because things were muddled. They still are. But I need to flesh out my thoughts and this seems like the perfect place to do it. I have no immediate plans to leave Boise. My contract is up in a couple months. I've been looking around for new opportunities but they're either few and far between or the competition for them is insanely intense. I'm assuming I have the option to stay at my current job and negotiate a new contract. If that turns out to be true...do I want to do that? There's something to be said for simply "having a job" during times like these. But I wrote that letter to Boise for a reason. I feel like I need to move on. It's time. Coming here was the right thing to do. I learned a lot. I grew a lot. But I'm ready for the next step. But therein lies the problem. What is the next step? I have no idea....

.....There are big changes going on around me. It'd be nice to be a part of them...but I feel left out. And even though I'd like to move forward....I'm not even sure where I want to go. It's no secret the broadcasting business is struggling. Jobs are scarce. Salaries have taken a nosedive. The future looks bleak. That just adds more fuel to this already confusing fire.

Oh, and let's not forget one other important thing. I turn 30 this year. My birthday is just under three months away. It's a big milestone. I'd love to feel confident, put-together, and comfortable in my own skin on such a big day. Instead, I'm on my way feeling like a lost mess.

Happy New Year.

That was 16 months ago. To think of all that's happened between then and now makes my head spin. The moral to a story usually comes at the end. But I'll give it to you now. I was done with Boise 16 months ago. As it turns out...Boise was not done with me.

I use the term "Boise" in an overarching sense. It's simply a context provider. While I love this town very much, I haven't had any profound relationship with the city itself. But it's been my home for more than three years. It's easier to attach a name and a place to the "mystical unknowns" that kept me here longer than I ever thought I'd stay.

For me, moving to Portland is moving forward. I thought I was ready for it 16 months ago. But I wasn't. I can't think of a precise quote but I know I've heard many people say something to the effect of, "you can't move forward while you're still stuck in the past." I wasn't exactly stuck in the past. But I was stuck. Not long after I wrote that New Year's blog entry, I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. I won't go into detail as to why. But that night I made the vow to myself to "live authentically." It was a slow process but I accomplished it in bits and pieces. I opened up to friends and family in a way that freed myself. It's what I needed to do to become unstuck.

That's one big reason Boise wasn't ready to let me go. But there's another. It's one that threw me for a loop in ways I'm still trying to understand. I don't like spill my guts on this blog. But I can cover the basics. I met someone. Someone I cared for deeply. It wasn't love. There was too much uncertainty and hesitation for that to develop. But it was something I've never experienced before...at least not in pure, genuine terms. They cared about me too. But the scales weren't balanced. My feelings turned out to be stronger. I'm told it happens to everyone at some point in life. Still...it's kind of embarrassing. The whole thing made me act a little strange. I was more dramatic than I wanted to be. But...I have a feeling it happened the way it was supposed to. It's taught me some valuable lessons. And, hopefully, I've at least gained a long-term friend. Maybe we can laugh about it together one day.

I like proper endings. I like to put things into context. Fitting my Boise experience into a nice, neat little package has proved almost impossible. I've tried writing this blog entry more than a dozen times. I never got very far. But this is what I've come up with. It's not as witty as I wanted. It's not as well-written as I wanted. It's not as profound or thought-provoking as I wanted. But it is the basic rundown. I guess that's all I really need.

My heart may be heavy as I make this drive and start this life. But I'm not stuck anymore. I'm free...and I can't wait to see what lands on the pages of this new chapter.

Thanks Boise...for everything.

Hello...Goodbye

Um...hi there.

Let's not talk about the fact I haven't posted anything since January. It's been a rough time for me. But things are looking up.

Here's the brief synopsis: I leave Boise in a few days. I'm headed to Portland, Oregon for a reporting job at a station there. I'm stoked.

My last day at work was last week. Here's what they did for me.

I'll write more later. I promise. I'm not giving up on this blog. I just took a brief hiatus.

Adios for now.

Uncertainty...with a paycheck

There's still no certainty in my life. I still haven't found a new job I can be excited about. But...I'm still employed. I'm now working without a contract. I'm officially an at-will employee. I can leave whenever I want. They can get rid of me whenever they want. Overall, it's a good thing. But that means it's "go" time. I need to find a way out...before they kick me out.

That's all I have to say. For now, I'll leave you with some more pictures of me with snakes. The green one peed on me shortly after the photo was taken. Bastard.

I love Creature Feature Wednesdays.