2010

It's about 10:30 on New Year's Eve. I'm home alone. I'd be out with friends right now, but I'm sick. I don't feel terrible....just your average cold. But I hate being sick so much, that I try not not to do anything that will jeopardize a quick recovery. Partying it up on New Year's Eve might just do that. I'm only slightly disappointed about now being out right now. That kind of surprises me. I hate the feeling of being left out. I don't like missing out on things. Under normal circumstances, I'd be seriously annoyed that folks were having fun without me. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. But these aren't normal circumstances. This year has been anything but normal.

It's hard for me put into words what I'm feeling right now. I had such high hopes for 2010. It was my 30th year after all. That seems like the perfect milestone to "get it together" and emerge a brand new person.

Hasn't really happened.

When I actually look back, I realize nothing terrible has happened to me. In fact, I've had some really good times. I went to Arches National Park for my 30th birthday...along with some awesome friends. I saw one of my best friends get married on a beautiful summer night in north Idaho. I went skydiving for the second time and loved every second of it. I opened up to friends in a way I'd always wanted to...and realized there was never anything to be scared of. New people came into my life suddenly and unexpectedly...and quickly became confidants and best friends.

When all is said and done...it was on okay year. But I cannot help being down on myself professionally. I have been ready to move on for so long now and it's just not happening for me. I don't know what it is. But it's definitely a confidence killer.

The only thing I wonder about...

The only thing I still can't figure out....

Is whether I'm still in Boise for a reason.

I'm still trying to figure that one out. It's apparently too soon to tell.

Happy New Year everyone. I'm intrigued to see what 2011 brings all of us.

There are no words

Living daily life is hard enough. Living it while being completely overwhelmed...is something else entirely.

I'm sorry I haven't written in a month. I think about it every day. But I just can't bring myself to do it. There's too much going on inside my head. That happens to some people and they turn to writing. They write and write and it helps sort things out. I'm not like that. I need a clear head to write...and things are anything but clear at the moment.

I am...lost. I really am. The crazy thing is that I know where I want to go. I just can't find a why to get there.

I've got serious professional dilemmas. I've discussed them at length so there's no need to bring them up again. There's still no clear direction for me.

I've got personal dilemmas too. For the longest time, I felt like I was on the outside looking in when it came daily life. I was free from drama and heartache and was glad I didn't have to deal with what my friends were dealing with. I was also free from love and relationships and the general good feelings associated with deep human connectivity. But that was okay.

My how things change. I'm not on the outside anymore...and I'm having a hard time dealing.

Why does it all happen at once? Overwhelmed.

I did see this today and for some reason, it made me feel a little better. It doesn't even correlate directly to what's going on in my life right now...but it's somehow comforting. It's from an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Cheesy...yes. But it is simple, deep, profound, and it rings true. It's about change.

When we say things like, “people don’t change,” it drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it’s always changing. Morphing, merging, growing, dying. It’s the way people try not to change, that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were, instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change, that’s up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it. It can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment, we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.

Slytherin

Ahem. I'm gonna DORK OUT for a moment and say that if I lived in the world of Harry Potter, I might be put in the house of Slytherin. Here's why.

Every Wednesday, "The Reptile Guy," Corbin Maxey, comes to our station to show off some of his animals. (They're not all reptiles...just most of them). This past week, he brought some snakes. He had two small ball pythons. Apparently, they are very docile and the make great pets. I have to admit. I even think they're kinda cute. I'm just not afraid of snakes like I am spiders. I don't know why. If I didn't have to go through the effort of taking care of one and feed it small rodents...I might even consider owning one. I even though it was adorable as the little sucker tried to strangle me.

The ball pythons were just the appetizer. The real guest was Rocky. Take a look.

That's Corbin holding Rocky on the end. He's a rock python. I wasn't too sure about him. Mainly because he was big and Corbin kept say they have nasty reputations, nasty attitudes, dozens of sharp teeth, and they can eat a human. Oh. That's nice. Rocky was pretty subdued though. He slithered toward Kyle and I a few times but did not try to kill us.

Can't wait to see what Corbin brings this week.

Pretty, pretty, pretty

I live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth...and I'm not just talking about Boise. Although Boise is beautiful in its own right, I'm talking about what's right outside my door. I live along the Boise River, underneath a plethora of foliage. Right now, at this moment, it is gorgeous. I don't need the amazing Autumn colors you'll find back east. I don't need to take a drive to Colorado to see the Aspen leaves change color. I can walk outside, stand on the Greenbelt, and look up in awe. I'm certainly no nature photographer. I'm sure a professional could take much better pictures. But here's what it looks like outside my door. I think it's pretty.

Fall is beautiful here.

The Story of Flagneck

I like being genuinely surprised. Especially when it's the kind of surprise that comes out of nowhere and makes you grin from ear to ear. That's what happened late last week when I walked into my room to get a pair of shoes from my closet. I looked up and saw this:

That thing has a name. It's Flagneck. Here's a closer look.

When I first spotted him, I stood there stunned with my mouth agape. Then the smile slowly spread across my face. Flagneck had finally come to Boise. This was a good, good day.

Flagneck's story begins in the summer of 2003. People first noticed him as he sat on the shelves of the Many Glacier Hotel gift shop. It wasn't long before he was deemed the "ugliest piece of merchandise" in the entire store...by the employees of course. I couldn't have agreed more. I'm all for being patriotic. But this is the kind of thing an overweight, midwestern housewife with far-right leanings and a gun rack would choose to put in her home. Hideous. Ridiculous. Tacky. Ugly. But also loveable. Flagneck became so iconically repulsive...that everyone loved him. I didn't work in the gift shop so I'm not sure if anyone ever bought Flagneck. I believe there was one confirmed purchase. But I think we had two in stock, so we never lost sight of the little guy. I don't remember much about Flagneck in 2004. I think he was there. But I'm not really sure. His iconic status, however, returned in 2005...when a new breed of gift shop employees found a way to celebrate his tackiness. T-shirts of course. Take a look.

Linda, Bev, and Stephanie. Don't they look gorgeous in their Flagneck garb?

That was my last summer in Glacier. I lost track of Flagneck then. My understanding is that he lived on. I don't know exactly where he's been over the past 5 years. I just know that he's resided in different parts of the country with different mutual friends...passed around like a trophy....a piece of memorabilia to induce warm, fuzzy memories of our collective time in Glacier. He's been in Portland for at least the past year...living with Jason and Shelly (Shellson).

How did he end up in Boise? Ron and Jessie (Sipner) were in Portland last week to pick up a car and visit Shellson. On their way back to Colorado they stopped for a brief respite in Boise. They were only here one night. But in that night, they managed to slip me the remarkable gift of Flagneck.

So, for now, Flagneck has come to roost in the City of Trees. I don't know how long he'll be here. He might follow me to wherever I end up next. Or I may hand him off to another unsuspecting Glacier veteran when they least suspect it. I'm just happy to see him again.

Needing more

Boise has been good for me. I've learned a lot and I've grown as a news anchor. I'm comfortable on the desk. I know how to do weather. I'm good (at least I think I am) when it comes to ad-libbing. I can go from serious topics to fun ones and then back again. I'm pretty versatile and I like that. But it's hard to find a job that gives you EVERYTHING. For me, that's reporting...especially live reporting. As a morning anchor, it's hard to come by. Being in the field is rare for me. Covering a live, breaking news situation proves even more elusive. I have zero doubts that I can do it...and do it well. But this business is about proving it. I have to prove to prospective employers that I can do it. That's the tough part. I'm applying for several reporting jobs. This is what I have to show people. I think it's strong...but it's missing key elements. I'm just hoping it's enough.

Creature Feature

My face says it all. I'm not a fan of having a tarantula put into my hands. But I didn't freak out. Although spiders sometimes scare the crap out of me, I'm oddly more at ease with a big arachnid than a smaller one. Smaller ones seem to move too fast. They can hide in your shoes, behind the bed, somewhere where you least expect them. I feel like I would notice a tarantula. Still...you can't tell that my hand was shaking when these photos were taken.

Charlotte, as she's called, was brought on by Corbin Maxey. Corbin is known as "The Reptile Guy." He's a Boise native. He's made the rounds at the other stations in town. He's also made several national TV appearances. It was the first time we had him on our station. Good times.

Natalee was not a fan of the snake. I'm less afraid of snakes than spiders but I was still a little wary.

Chompers was my favorite. Very cute.

It's days like this when I really like my job.

Rip City

Sudden, strong, intense infatuations are dangerous. They can mess you up inside. They can lead you to believe that if you don't get what you want...nothing will ever be right with the world. Or more specifically...nothing will ever be right with YOUR world. No amount of rational thought, from your own mind or the mind of another, can make you see otherwise. If you're lucky, you get what you want. (Whether what you get is really what you ever wanted...well that's a different story entirely). If you're not lucky enough to get what you want, hopefully the infatuation passes quickly and you can move on with your life. I've dealt with this situation before. (Very recently actually). I think we all have. But now I have a new problem. A new obsession. Portland, Oregon is calling my name...and I can't hear anything else.

I've always liked Portland. I've always thought it would be cool to live there. It's always been near the top of the list of places I want to live. But all of a sudden, I'm freaking out about it. I don't want to go anywhere BUT Portland. There are a number of reasons why. But none of them can be considered big enough for me to have such narrow vision. As stupid as it sounds. As corny as sounds. As irrational as it sounds. I really think it's speaking to me.

Scary stuff. Forget the fact that job hunting in the news biz is hard ANYWHERE in the country. It's worse when you focus on just one place.

Maybe my sudden crush on Portland will pass. I don't know. For now, I'm hoping our relationship is meant to be...and the obsession is just a precursor to reality. I'll let you know.

p.s. Rip City is apparently a lesser-known nickname for Portland. I liked it better than the City of Roses.

New year, new....something

Well. So much for this blogging "everyday" idea. I guess I shouldn't make promises. At the very least, I'm blogging on a "more frequent" basis. That counts for something, right?

In other news...check out this job posting on TVJobs.com. (I censor it for search purposes. Anyone could find out where I work if they wanted to. But I'd rather not have them find this blog by searching for my station).

Morning Anchor/Producer

****-TV

Nampa, ID

Yep. That's my job. It's now being advertised for all the world to see. I've officially told my bosses that I won't be signing a new contract. I'll likely be staying through the end of the year and then...well who knows? There is no plan at this point. I admit that I'm scared. Leaving my job is bittersweet. While I complain about recent changes, the truth is I've been allowed to professionally grow and develop in ways I didn't imagine.

I've compared my current situation to the idea of walking away from a relationship that's run it's course. You've had a great time. You have great love and respect and admiration for the other person. You're comfortable with them. But deep down, you know it's just...not...right...anymore. You're afraid to walk away because you know it's going to be hard. You have NO idea what's going to happen or what you're going to do. Still, you know it's time to go. That's how I feel. It IS time to go. I know that. I just wish I had some sort of a plan right now. I wish a great job prospect would smack me in the face. I wish I didn't have to worry about paying my bills. I'm wishing for a lot of things. But, at the very least, I have a sense of relief. Relief doesn't have to feel happy and joyful. It can be tinged with a sense of melancholy and resignation. That's where I am right now. I'm relieved I've taken a big step. Where I actually end up going...is anyone's guess.

Waiting for the end

I'm a little obsessed with this song at the moment. I listen to it and I get lost in the lyrics. It seems to be about the end of a relationship. My personal interpretation is a bit different...but for me, it's more about my relationship with where I am in life right now. The lyrics say it all.

Yesterday? Last night?

I've been working the graveyard shift for nearly 3 full weeks now. In two words...it sucks.

I didn't know what to expect. I've worked overnights before but never on a semi-permanent basis. In the times I did do it, I just powered through (occasionally napping when I shouldn't have) and got back to my regular schedule when I could. I can't do that anymore. I'm stuck on this schedule for at least the next two months...possibly three. I've seen what it does to people. From observation I thought my biggest problem was going to be lack of sleep. That's actually not the case. I guess I've learned to do without sleep over the past two and half years. Working early mornings will do that. The biggest problem for me is the blending of days and nights.

Terms like "yesterday" and "last night" don't mean the same thing anymore. I don't even know what "yesterday" means. Yeah, I worked last night...and by "last night" I mean early in the morning. It's all too confusing. It's effing me up psychologically. Morning is supposed to be the start of a new day. Not for me. I'm heading home to go to bed. Evening is supposed to be the time for winding down and getting ready for bed. Nope. I'm driving on a deserted freeway to work in an empty building with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.

As far as actual work goes...it's okay. I expected worse. I'm continually hoping for better...and a good night's sleep...at night...when it's dark...and everyone else is sleeping.

Okay. I'm done.

That cabin in...East Glacier?

David Walburn is a singer/songwriter in Montana. Every summer he does nightly shows at the Many Glacier Hotel in Glacier National Park. One of his shows centers around an adventure he had in the 80's, when he and his buddies built a cabin in the Alaskan backcountry. In one of his songs, the lyric "that cabin in Alaska" is fairly prominent. I won't tell you the story about the cabin...although it's a good one. But I was lucky enough to make a pilgrimage there with some friends back in 2005. Take a look.

Fast forward to 2010. There's a new cabin from a different David. It's in East Glacier, Montana just outside Glacier National Park. Here's Dave with his pride and joy.

While I greatly respect Dave, and repeatedly name him as the one friend who would drive across country to bail me out of jail...he couldn't build this sucker all by himself. That's where another friend of ours comes in...Danny. He did most of the work on Dave's cabin...and he did a damn good job. Here's Danny working on his next project...his own cabin on the west side of Glacier.

I'm a month late in writing about these cabins and my recent trip to Glacier. But it was an awesome vacation. I was gone for 10 days. I'd like to say I did a lot of hiking and backpacking and camping. But that would be a lie. Instead I did a lot of napping, eating, drinking, and visiting with friends. But that's fine. I pretty much went there with one goal in mind...and I accomplished it. Looking back, I now realize this trip had a special purpose. While I would have liked to hike around a bit more, the trip was about frying bigger fish. If I really whittled it down, I could count my best friends in life on two hands. Seven of them were with me on this trip. Thanks guys.

It was also a significant trip for Ron & Jessie. I'd refer you to their blog but they haven't updated it in a loooooong time. (hint, hint). Conventional wisdom goes that Jessie didn't care much for Ron when they first met. That's the story we all tell. I don't know if it's really true. Either way, they eventually did grow on each other and Ron proposed in Glacier. Here they are on the shores of Lake Josephine.

Congrats guys. You deserve it.

Still looking

I guess it might be weird to post a picture that you can already see at the top of my blog. But it seemed appropriate for my mood today.

I walked out of work this morning and the sun was just starting to come up. It was a pretty morning. Crisp and cool. I looked out at the horizon and immediately thought of this picture. I don't know the story behind it. I found it on the internet one day. But sometimes I'll make up a version of who I think this man is and what I think he's doing. This morning is the first time I saw him as myself. "I'm still looking," I said to myself. "Still looking."

Interpret that how you will.

The Big Leagues

It was a taste of the big leagues in Boise this past weekend. For the town, and all of Idaho for that matter, it was a chance to shine in the national spotlight. For me, it was a chance to experience national television, and all the excitement that goes with it. ESPN's College Gameday came to Bronco Stadium ahead of that night's big matchup between Boise State and Oregon State. I was lucky enough to be behind the scenes all morning. Here's what it looked like.

I'm not a HUGE sports fan. I rarely watch ESPN. But this was cool. It was a roving production of a popular national sports broadcast...and I was in heaven just observing everything. I worked a little too. My morning colleagues and I were doing a couple stories on how the show sets up and we had a chance to interview all five Gameday anchors; Lee Corso, Chris Fowler, Kirk Herbstreit, Desmond Howard, and Erin Andrews. I took a bunch of photos. This one is my favorite.

I have no desire to be a sports broadcaster. But hanging around watching Gameday come together only affirmed my love for broadcasting. It only motivated me to keep working towards the "big leagues." It's a fight to the top. I know that. But it's also the one thing I've wanted since I've been a kid. I gotta keep going for it.

Here are some of my other favorite photos from Saturday.

This is our morning meteorologist Kyle interviewing Erin Andrews.

Erin Andrews was, by far, the most popular person there. Here's Kyle and Natalee with her. I took one for the team and took the picture.

Last, but not least, I have to point out how awesome my little Canon digital camera is. I specifically bought it because it had a powerful zoom in a small, compact package. The zoom is awesome. This photo was taken from about 100 yards away. No joke.

I think it's pretty impressive.

Oh...and Boise State won that night's game. Good on ya Broncos. National championship on the way?

Number 5

First thing's first. Despite my earlier blog posting about vowing to write something EVERYDAY...I haven't. I missed Saturday and Sunday. I don't feel too bad about it because it was an incredibly busy weekend. I'll write about that tomorrow. But on to today.

I mourned TV Wife #4 for a few months. But I've recovered quickly. Meet TV Wife #5. Her name is Natalee.

She came from a small station in Oregon. She's only been on the show about two weeks. So far, she's fitting in well with Kyle and I. I have no idea how much longer I'll be working at my station, but it's good to have a partner in crime to share the mornings with once again.

My bad

I've had funnier moments on the anchor desk, but this was mildly amusing...so I thought I'd share. During the intros, listen carefully for the "ka-ding" while Natalee is talking.

Now that I think about it, I think my text message has gone off one other time on the desk. But my phone has never rang. (knock on wood).

WTF!?

I have a cool cat named Merlin. One of his best attributes is his willingness to take care of pests. If I see a spider in my apartment, I just show Merlin. He'll fixate on it, play with it for a little while, then eat it. It's a good system we've got going. I've done this with earwigs, potato bugs, flies, and small beetles. (My apartment's not infested...I promise. I live right by a river and there are insects everywhere). Sometimes, Merlin spots the intruders before I do. On plenty of occasions, I'll walk into a room and see him torturing some poor, helpless creature. I had gotten used to it. Then, one evening last week, I walked into the living room and saw Merlin standing over this.

I was stunned. There was a snake. Inside. My apartment. I just stood there for a moment taking it in. I have a pretty strong fear of spiders. Snakes...not so much. But still...there was a SNAKE inside my apartment. That's not supposed to happen. After a second or two of disbelief I sprung into action before Merlin could terrorize the little bastard any more. I picked him up by the tail. He was a tiny little guy. Obviously, I had to take more pictures. This one is for some perspective on size. See? Pretty small.

Here he is curled up in the glass I used to carry him outside and release him.

Again...I'm not afraid of snakes. But I was much more shocked by this than if I had seen a spider.

I think Merlin was a little pissed at me. It was by far the biggest prize he's ever gotten...and I took it away from him. Plenty more spiders to come Merlin.

New reality

I hate to assume things. Everyone knows that famous saying about "assuming" anything. But we do it anyway. I'm no exception.

I can't see the future. I really don't know what's going to happen. But I'm pretty sure life's going to change in some big ways between now and the new year. If I'm wrong (which is always a possibility) you can say to me, "see what happens when you assume?"

I'm living a new reality...in a couple different ways. In some cases, this new way of doing things has been forced on me. In others, I'm choosing this route myself. In some cases, I'm happy about where things are going. In others...I'm not.

First, and this is pretty banal, I'm making a new blogging commitment. Between now and the end of the year, I'll be blogging EVERY DAY. Even though I don't advertise this blog anywhere else, I think it's an important tool for me. I'm a journalist in a rapidly changing media landscape. I need to branch out in whatever ways I can. An everyday commitment will hopefully improve my writing skills and force me to think more creatively (especially when I feel there's nothing to blog about). I think I probably lost some readers over the past few years with my sporadic postings. Maybe I can gain some of them back.

Second, my current job is likely to end within the next three months. Staying employed is my decision. Unfortunately, changing work conditions were not chosen by me. They've been so bad lately that my day of reckoning is soon to arrive. I'll need to let the powers that be know whether I want to stay. Not only that, I'll need to choose between going and signing a long-term commitment. I've been looking for new employment for a while now. There are few bright spots on the horizon. I also have bills to pay. I'm not independently wealthy. I'm scared to be unemployed. But I don't want to be motivated by fear.

Third, (and this is the hardest one of all), I'm making a pledge to be more genuine and comfortable in my own skin. I've taken some big steps in that direction this year. I'm proud of myself for that. But I've got a long way to go.

There are other aspects to my new reality. But I'm keeping them to myself for now. Still need some secrets...right?

Wish me luck. I need it.

Adrift

Here's how I feel at the moment.

I'm sitting in a life raft in the middle of the open ocean. It's not the sturdiest raft. It's got a few holes in it...but they're patched up. It's keeping me afloat just fine but there's always the chance it could start to lose air. So, I'm searching for another raft. There are actually several floating around me. I've got my choice of which one to jump on. But they don't look much sturdier than the one I'm on. Looks can be deceiving I guess. I could jump to one of these other rafts and it just might be the one that takes me to semi-permanent safety. On the other hand...it might pop as soon as I land. Not only that, I could jump and then spot a boat in the distance...the boat that I've been looking for. It's kind of the "saving grace." Unfortunately, there's the chance I can't make it to the boat from a different life raft. So I face the choice of staying where I am and waiting for the boat...or saying "screw it" and jump to another raft while I have the chance.

Does any of this make any sense?

Still here

Um...hi.

I'm still here.

I don't know why I haven't posted anything in nearly a month.

My only excuse is that life's complicated.

Check out what some jackass did to Jasper.

No clue how it happened. No clue when it happened. Just noticed it one morning. The good news is that it's fixed. It cost me $250...but Jasper is new enough and good-looking enough to warrant an unblemished facade.

I turned 30 less than five months ago. I had big plans to make my 30th year a great one. Well...things don't always work out. It's not that things have been bad. It's just that things have been unexpected, complicated, and frustrating. I want to go into detail. But I've never really poured out my heart and soul on this blog. I've had it for nearly five years. Even with infrequent updates, I love having it. I look back on old posts...and it's like a journal for me. But it's not where I reveal all my secrets. It's not where I unburden myself.

I will say there's a lot of uncertainty right now...both professionally and personally. I suppose a 30th year of life is a good time to work it all out.

Money & Adventure

I know from experience that money can't buy happiness. I also know that money can buy adventure. Adventure makes me happy. Go figure.

I took a tandem skydive two weeks ago. These are my two favorite photos from the experience.

I had been skydiving before. I went when I was 18 or 19. I don't remember much about that first experience except that I CHOSE a tandem skydive over a solo one. Going solo was an option and I was gung ho about doing it. Then I took the mandatory 5-hour class and got a little scared. I didn't want my life to be my responsibility. I'd rather put it in the hands of a professional. When it was all over I thought about the prospect of becoming a certified skydiver. That idea quickly faded. Now it's resurfaced. This latest skydiving experience was pretty damn cool. It has given me yet another goal in my thirst for adventure. I'm determined to become certified.

I'm not an adrenaline junkie. I don't feel like I have the kind of extreme personality that goes along with such a person. But I like adventure. I like doing cool things. I see something "cool" on television or in a magazine and I think, "I want to do that."

More and more, I'm realizing a lot of the things I want to do cost money. Lots of money. I'm not a rich man so, needless to say, I get frustrated. Here's the rundown...estimated costs only.

Become a certified skydiver: $3,000 (plus another $3,000 to buy personal equipment)

Get a helicopter pilot's license: $40,000

Get a pilot's license: $10,000

Go to acting school in NYC: $80,000

Study Spanish in Chile: $10,000

Volunteer at a wildlife sanctuary in South Africa: $5,000

Do some serious mountaineering: $10,000

Go to an acrobatic school: $4,000

I've done some cool things in life. I was a seasonal wanderer/worker for 4 years. I lived in New Zealand. I got to ride in a Blue Angels F-18. I'm currently a zip line tour guide.

But I want more. Sadly, I can't afford more. (Forget the issue of spare time. I'll address that if I ever get the money).

Sigh.

This one hurts

I do not have a good track record when it comes to marriage. My 4th TV wife finally had enough of me...and took off for Alabama. Here's the goodbye tribute we all put together for her.

Earlier in that same show, we revisited one of Michelle's greatest moments on the air. Take a look.

And with that...it's the end of an era. I've had four long-term co-anchors during my nearly 5 years in this business. I lucked out with all them. They will forever be close friends. But this divorce hurts...a lot. Michelle has been my best friend in Boise for the past 2.5 years. Sadly for her, she saw me more than she saw her real husband. Working the early morning shift will cause that to happen. Frankly, I'm heartbroken to see her go.

This is a summer of change for me...and Michelle's departure basically starts the dominoes falling. I'll soon have to focus on dealing with the unknowns ahead. For now, I'm just sad as my best Boise friend leaves town.

Good luck Starky. I'll miss you.

Remnants

I like to experience a little bit of nature on Independence Day. It seems appropriate. One of the greatest things about America is her natural beauty. Why not take it in on her birthday? So I took a little hike yesterday morning. I went to Bozeman for the weekend and hiked up to the "M" on the side of Baldy Mountain. It's a nice spot to look over the Gallatin Valley...or more specifically, Bozeman.

It was a good way to start the July 4th holiday. But I have to confess that I felt a strange uneasiness from the moment I drove in to the Bozeman area. It wasn't the place I knew. It wasn't the place I remembered. It wasn't the place I thought I loved so much. At first, I couldn't figure out why I felt so weird about being there. Besides a few new buildings, restaurants, and stores that have popped up...it looks pretty much the same. Not only that, I was there at what is arguably the most beautiful time of the year...when it's warm outside and everything is still green. But I still felt like a stranger in a place where I didn't think that was possible.

I thought things over on my drive home today. Here's my conclusion: there are very few remnants of my existence there. Here's my theory: without anything to tie you there...even a once familiar place can seem foreign.

I still know several people in Bozeman. But by the end of this summer, all of my closest friends will have left. Most of them are already gone. I only caught up with two people on this trip. There was no one else chat with. Just being there felt...lonely. I lived there for nearly 2.5 years. But now I realize my roots didn't run very deep. Outside of the TV news world, I didn't have any good friends. I'm not saying I regret things. I'm not sure it could have turned out any differently. Being in Bozeman was much more about learning the ropes of a new job and a new way of life. It wasn't about entrenching myself in the community. I think it was the same scenario for most of my TV friends. They were in the same boat as I was. Bozeman was simply a gathering place for all of us. It only provided a little context for the life we were all living. I don't think I love it any less. It is a beautiful town with amazing people. But before I go there again, I need to realize I'm going as nothing but a visitor.

I've wrote about a "sense of place" many times on this blog. Most of those writings involve Montana or Glacier National Park in some fashion. But it's taken me time to realize that my connection to a particular place is directly tied to the people I knew there. Going back to Glacier every year can still feel like "coming home." But that's only because many of my friends are still there. They are what made my experience so great.

People make the place. I found that out this weekend. Without the people...even a once loved place can seem...uncomfortable.

Dream Deferred

Here I come New York!!!!

That's what I'd like to be saying right now. But I can't...at least not yet. Let me lay it all out for you.

I did a lot of research on the New York Conservatory of Dramatic Arts. I heard good things. I heard bad things. Overall, my impression was favorable. I think I'd have a good time there. I think I'd learn a lot. I think two years in New York would be a pretty incredible experience. But it would be so...so...expensive.

I haven't been too honest with what this little adventure would cost. I've just said it would be a lot of money. But let me be upfront. Factoring in tuition, insurance, housing, and living expenses...I'd be looking at $80,000 over two years. The ONLY way to pay would be with student loans. I have great credit. I'm sure I could easily get the money. But paying it back seems daunting. I ran the numbers through several different loan repayment calculators I found online. Depending on how many years I chose to repay the loan...I'm looking at an average of $15,000 in interest costs. I'm also looking at a recommended annual salary of, on average, $80,000 to help in repayment. Yikes.

There are many variables. I know that. I could find a job in NYC to help pay the bills. I could try and live with friends. I could even graduate, get a starring movie role, make a million dollars and things would be just peachy. But there are no guarantees. I'm not afraid to take a leap of faith. I'm not afraid of risk. I'm not afraid of tackling something new and uncharted. But in this case, the price is just too high.

Here's the good news...

Whether acting turns out to be a passion or a hobby, there are countless ways for me to explore it. Luckily, there's not one acting school in one city that EVERYONE tries to get into. There are a lot of opportunities out there. I'm a strong advocate for pursuing a dream. At the same time, I realize I'm closing a door on one of mine. But I'm at peace with it only because I know it's just one door. Sometimes there are many ways to get to the finish line. This is one of those cases. I like acting. I'm interested in it. I'll explore it some way, in some fashion, some time in the near future.

For now...I have a car to pay off. I've got some credit card debt I need to take care of. I also have a $20,000 dental bill bearing down on me in the next few years. But more than all of that, I'm still in a business that I love, despite recent frustrations. I'm going to see where that takes me first.

Thanks to everyone who encouraged me and supported me in this. It still might happen...just not this year.

More Cowbell

Some friends of mine live lives straight out of a TV sitcom. They experience daily scenarios that only seem possible in the minds of a comedy writer. Hearing their stories is always fun. I've been jealous. Although embarrassing at times, the life of a sitcom character seemed more interesting.

Never again will I have that wish. Let me tell you why.

The picture above was taken this past weekend in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. It's a photo of my co-anchor Michelle and her lunatic aunt. I don't even remember her name. As you can see from Michelle's dress...it was her wedding weekend. You may also notice she's holding a little cow bell. What you can't see are the half-dozen other cow bells ...or cow balloons...in the room. What you don't know is that I'm indirectly responsible for them being there. That's not a good thing.

Michelle is one of my greatest friends. For the past two years, I've probably seen her more than she sees her own husband. She sits next to me on the anchor desk for two hours every morning. We sit across from each other in the newsroom too. We see each other a lot. I consider her my TV wife...but our relationship is more like that of a brother and sister. We love each other...but we want to kill each other too. The insults fly back and forth. It's all in good fun.

Michelle got engaged in February 2009. I've had to hear her talk about her wedding for a year and a half...and she's a chatty person. One of the biggest topics was her wedding diet. I got so tired of hearing about it that I soon came up with a new nickname for her: Cowbride. I told her she was going to be a cowbride and that I would bring cowbells to her wedding and ring them as she walked down the aisle. That made her mad. Ahh...good times.

You might be thinking, "what a jackass." Maybe...but I never would have brought cowbells to her wedding. Too bad someone else did.

This brings us to Michelle's lunatic aunt. At some point before the wedding on Saturday, Michelle took it upon herself to tell some family members about me. She was talking about work and explained who would be coming to the wedding. She talked about her co-anchor and how he would call her "cowbride." It was a story meant to illustrate the brother/sister relationship we had. I had no idea this took place. I barely saw Michelle before the wedding, let alone meet any family members. But now I know that her aunt took that story and ran with it.

I showed up at the reception pretty early and noticed the cow attire that adorned the room. To be honest, I didn't think much of it. It confused me a little but I certainly didn't think I could be responsible. How could I be? No one here knew about the little inside joke we shared. The evening wore on, Michelle and the wedding party arrived, and the celebration commenced. I went to the bathroom at one point. When I returned, Michelle was at my table asking where I was. Her aunt was by her side. Michelle saw me, glared at me, and said, "You!" Instantly, I knew. The "cowbride" banter had come back to haunt me. The aunt saw me and was delighted. Apparently she missed the fact that I would actually be there. She took me by the arm, led me around the room and shouted, "this is all because of you!" while pointing out the cow decorations.

I was stunned...embarrassed...immobile with disbelief. How? What? Huh?

Her aunt is the loud, obnoxious type too. Throw alcohol into the mix and it got worse. Eventually, as the evening wore on, people would ring the cow bells when that wanted Michelle and her husband to kiss. I turned red every time. My colleagues thought it was funny. I wanted to die. I don't want to give the impression that Michelle's night was ruined. It wasn't. The talk about "Cowbride" made up about 2% of the evening. She danced, laughed, smiled, drank, and had a good time. But every time her aunt made a scene, she was visibly irritated.

I really did feel like crap. I can't even convey how much it bugged me. I was in a bad mood most of the night. Michelle made it clear she didn't blame me. Her husband, who also works at our station, even came up to me and said it wasn't my fault. I know it too. I do. "Cowbride" was an inside joke between friends. I started the joke and never intended to share it with anyone outside of our little circle. Michelle had no idea what would happen by telling her own family. But that damn...crazy...lunatic....aunt.....

I know Michelle very well. When I take a close look at the photo above, I can tell the smile on her face is insincere and strained.

I feel like this story could be right out of a sitcom. A team of writers could probably make it hilarious. On some level, it is. Michelle gets back from her honeymoon in about a week and I guess I'll find out how she really feels.

But for now, I feel awful. Forget the sitcom life. I'm good with being boring.

Seattle

I've always assumed I just wasn't suited for city life. I always thought, "I could live there if I had to...but I'd prefer something else." I'm not so sure about that now. I spent last weekend in the Emerald City and found myself wishing I could relocate there. Wandering the streets of downtown Seattle just put a smile on my face. I'm not sure why. I didn't see much. I didn't do much. I just liked being there. Portland is still my favorite city in the Pacific Northwest. I'd still like to move there if I could. But Seattle would work fine too. Now if only I can get a job there.

I was in Seattle with high hopes. I wanted one of these:

I went home empty handed. A colleague and I were up for the award at the Northwest Regional Emmys. We were nominated for this story in the Best Light Feature Story category. I tried to downplay how much I cared about winning. Truth be told...I really wanted to. It helps a little that I lost out (as did six other nominees) to John Sharify. He's widely considered one of the best feature reporters in the country. I've seen his work and it's...damn...good. On the bright side I did get to accept three other awards. Two of my colleagues won a "Continuing Coverage" Emmy. Plus, our morning and evening newscasts won in their categories. So that was nice.

Now what?

Back in February I made a confession. I was toying with the idea of going back to school to study theater and acting. Over the next few months, I took a few hesitant steps in that direction. One of those steps was auditioning for a dramatic arts school in New York. I figured that I would try something audition based to gauge my talent/potential. According to the research I did, this school accepts about 180 students a year out of the 4,000 or so who audition. I think most people have been told not to believe everything (sometimes anything) they read online. I consider that whenever I'm perusing the interwebs. So I'm still not sure of this claim. Maybe they just say that to gain a reputation of exclusivity.

True or not...they accepted me. If I want to, I can start the two-year program this September.

There's just one minor hitch.

$$$$$$$$$$$

Tuition ain't cheap. Factor in living expenses, travel costs, insurance requirements and this little adventure of mine could cost a small fortune. On the surface, there is absolutely no way I can afford it. I don't have the money. No one I know has the money. I was offered a $1,000 scholarship but that is just a drop in the bucket.

The way I see it, there are only two ways I'll be moving to New York in 3 months. My first option is to suddenly come into some kind of financial fortune...like winning the lottery. My second, and most likely, option is to take out some student loans. I have great credit. I bet I'd have no problem doing it. But damn, the idea of such huge loans is intimidating. If I was studying to be a doctor I'd rely on the security of being able to pay them back some day. But acting? Well...it's not exactly a huge money maker...for most people anyway.

So there you have it. I want to do it. I just don't know if I can. So now what?

LOST opportunity

Who cares what I think...right? That said, I have to share my opinion on the series finale of LOST. (If you haven't seen the finale and you're planning on watching it, stop reading!)

I was a fan of the show from the beginning. I remember having my mom mail me a VHS copy of one of the first season finale while I was in Glacier. A small group of us was part of the "opening crew" at the hotel and we settled in to the hotel pub (the only TV with a VCR we could find) to watch.

I ended up catching season two online after it had aired and then I stayed caught up with the series from that point on. Like most people, I was always a little confused by the island goings-on. But I liked the fact that the show had a definite end date. I felt confident that if I invested in the show there would be some payoff. Now I feel tricked.

Let me explain though. I actually really liked the finale. What they did with the "sideways" world was brilliant. I thought it was beautiful and moving and a perfect ending to the entire series. But I feel like the finale was a two act play and they forgot to show us the first act. I found the following in a post-finale write up online. It explains perfectly how I feel.

"The finale's premise isn't that hard to grasp, but it confused us because it executes a switcheroo: It substitutes a "big" mystery of relatively slight interest (What is the status of the flash-sideways reality?) for all the littler enigmas that we actually do care about, such as why Aaron and Walt were so important, the reason for the fertility preoccupation in the first couple of seasons and the meaning of the numbers. You don't have to count yourself among that flock of literal-minded viewers who bleated incessantly for "answers" to everything (The glass eye! The Hurley bird! The Dharma food drops!) to find the answers we did get unsatisfying. A series like "Lost" doesn't need to solve all of its riddles, but it does need to address the right ones."

I understand that movies and television shows are best when they're character driven. We definitely got that with LOST. The show's creators did not disappoint in that regard. But they also chose to bring us the story of a mysterious island where strange things happen. "Keep tuning in," was the obvious plea. "You'll find out what's going on eventually." Except...we didn't. I thought it was building up to that point. In the episodes leading up to the finale we definitely got a lot of the island's backstory. All of that was great and I was thirsty for more. As it turns out, I'm still thirsty. What the producers chose to do...they did well. The two act play ended perfectly. I wouldn't change a thing. But I would like to see that first act. Somehow, that got looked over.

Centenarian

According to my iPhoto library, I've taken (or had someone else take with my camera) just over 2,000 photos in and around Glacier National Park. The one above is my all-time favorite. I'm pretty sure it was taken with a disposable black and white camera. I'm sitting on top of Swiftcurrent Peak, looking out over Granite Park Chalet (it's tiny but you can see it), and the McDonald Valley. To me, this picture epitomizes the four summers I spent in Glacier. It's my go-to photo when I want to share my experience with others. Some people are impressed. Some aren't. Either way, this picture always seems like the best way to illustrate my time spent there. When I try to explain how I feel verbally, things get too muddled.

Today is Glacier National Park's 100th birthday. I wish I could be there to celebrate.

There are many things you can wish for others to experience. Most would probably point to true love or true friendship. I concur. But I also hope that everyone out there is able to experience a "sense of place" as strong as I found in northwest Montana.

Happy Birthday Glacier.

Goings-on

It was a busy April. May doesn't look any better. In fact, this summer is already looking crammed full of crap. On some level it's exciting. On another...well, it's annoying because I like my leisure time. One day at a time...right?

Moving - I had planned to move out of my apartment. I wanted to find a roommate, pay no more than $350 in rent, and save some cash over the summer. It didn't work out that way. I gave my "intent to vacate" notice and started the housing hunt. Nothing panned out. There were options, but I'm picky. The last best hope resided in a guy who works for Fox News. He was a field producer, only home about 2 weeks a month, and he said he'd allow me to bring my cat. Unfortunately, his two Golden Retrievers felt differently. We arranged a pet meeting. It didn't go well. Most dogs I've seen are scared and intimidated by a hissing and spitting cat. Now I know there are some who lack that fear...and in fact, would prefer to rip the cat apart. So...no dice. All was not lost though. I got an $80 dollar a month rent reduction and have avoided the hassles of moving.

Incredible - I toyed with the idea of getting a smartphone back in 2008...when I was eligible for an upgrade. I passed and went with the standard flip phone. Fast forward to now. I was up for another upgrade and went with the HTC Droid Incredible. It is...well...incredible. I adore it. It has gotten stellar reviews and is considered the best Android cell phone on the market. I considered waiting until June (when the iPhone is rumored to be coming to Verizon) but decided to just pull the trigger. Many are saying it's just as good, if not better, than the iPhone anyway. It is a little strange to have Facebook and Twitter and the internet at my fingertips. But it's also very addictive and convenient. I'm glad I jumped on the smartphone bandwagon.

Kyle - Ladies and gentleman, the new morning team.

Work has been much better lately thanks to the addition of Kyle. Michelle and I were sad to see Mellisa go back in January. Not only because we liked her but because it meant more work for the both of us. For me, that meant a 2 1/2 month stint doing the weather. I'm glad I can deliver a decent forecast on television. But I don't like doing it all that much. So it was nice get a new morning meteorologist. Not only does Kyle take the load off, but he's good at his job. He's also very easygoing and likable. He's been on the show for about a month and we all think it's a good fit.

That's it for now. Spring is here. Summer's coming. I'm headed to Seattle, Coeur d'Alene, Glacier National Park, and Bozeman at various times over the next four months. Bring it on.

Worrisome

I have 7 days to vacate my apartment.

I still have no other place to live.

This presents a problem.

This explains why I'm stressed and haven't posted anything in weeks.

Forgive me.

Picture Page

I'm trying to blog more often. That said, I struggle with writing something new on a frequent basis. So I'm taking the easy way out and posting some photos. Here's a random photo from each album I have in iPhoto. I'm sure no one cares...but I'm tired and I wanted to post something. So there you have it.

From the "Moab Birthday" album. Imitating an arch...under an arch.

From the "Subway 2009" album. Jason's freedom jump.

From the "Many Glacier Winter" album. Heavy Shield covered in snow.

From the "Beaver Creek" album. After a day on the slopes.

From the "Glacier" album (by far the biggest album). A very windy day at Firebrand Pass.

From the "Boise Life" album. Fall colors outside my apartment.

From the "Beth's Wedding" album. From inside the chapel in Big Sky where Beth got married.

From the "Subway Road Trip" album. In the Subway, Zion National Park...2005.

From the "Southwest Road Trip" album. At the bottom of the Grand Canyon...standing in the Colorado River.

From the "Big Sky" album. Backcountry snowboarding.

From the "Alaska" album. Chris, Josh, and I at the Walburn/Hendricks cabin.

From the "Idaho Hiking" album. Michelle and Derek at Sawtooth Lake.

From the "Home" album. Mom & I right before I left for New Zealand.

From the "Bozeman Life" album. A moose on the loose in Bozeman.

From the "Montana Hiking" album. A group of us at Garnet Mountain Lookout Tower.

From the "Oklahoma" album. The Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial.

From the "Shelson Wedding" album. A group of friends at Jason & Shelly's wedding.

From the "Siri Wedding Road Trip" album. Siri (not pictured) got married in Alta, Utah. Here we are doing a little summer time ski lift riding.

From the "Merlin" album. Merlin's favorite spot for lounging. Half on the couch, half on the end table.

From the "Random" album. I rode a motorcycle to Glacier for the summer of 2003. Hardy and I took it back to Salt Lake in the back of his pick-up that autumn.

From the "News Stuff" album. We're in mid-show right here just before saying goodbye to Steve Dent on his last night.

I have 3,962 photos. This is just a sampling. Good night.