2010

It's about 10:30 on New Year's Eve. I'm home alone. I'd be out with friends right now, but I'm sick. I don't feel terrible....just your average cold. But I hate being sick so much, that I try not not to do anything that will jeopardize a quick recovery. Partying it up on New Year's Eve might just do that. I'm only slightly disappointed about now being out right now. That kind of surprises me. I hate the feeling of being left out. I don't like missing out on things. Under normal circumstances, I'd be seriously annoyed that folks were having fun without me. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. But these aren't normal circumstances. This year has been anything but normal.

It's hard for me put into words what I'm feeling right now. I had such high hopes for 2010. It was my 30th year after all. That seems like the perfect milestone to "get it together" and emerge a brand new person.

Hasn't really happened.

When I actually look back, I realize nothing terrible has happened to me. In fact, I've had some really good times. I went to Arches National Park for my 30th birthday...along with some awesome friends. I saw one of my best friends get married on a beautiful summer night in north Idaho. I went skydiving for the second time and loved every second of it. I opened up to friends in a way I'd always wanted to...and realized there was never anything to be scared of. New people came into my life suddenly and unexpectedly...and quickly became confidants and best friends.

When all is said and done...it was on okay year. But I cannot help being down on myself professionally. I have been ready to move on for so long now and it's just not happening for me. I don't know what it is. But it's definitely a confidence killer.

The only thing I wonder about...

The only thing I still can't figure out....

Is whether I'm still in Boise for a reason.

I'm still trying to figure that one out. It's apparently too soon to tell.

Happy New Year everyone. I'm intrigued to see what 2011 brings all of us.

There are no words

Living daily life is hard enough. Living it while being completely overwhelmed...is something else entirely.

I'm sorry I haven't written in a month. I think about it every day. But I just can't bring myself to do it. There's too much going on inside my head. That happens to some people and they turn to writing. They write and write and it helps sort things out. I'm not like that. I need a clear head to write...and things are anything but clear at the moment.

I am...lost. I really am. The crazy thing is that I know where I want to go. I just can't find a why to get there.

I've got serious professional dilemmas. I've discussed them at length so there's no need to bring them up again. There's still no clear direction for me.

I've got personal dilemmas too. For the longest time, I felt like I was on the outside looking in when it came daily life. I was free from drama and heartache and was glad I didn't have to deal with what my friends were dealing with. I was also free from love and relationships and the general good feelings associated with deep human connectivity. But that was okay.

My how things change. I'm not on the outside anymore...and I'm having a hard time dealing.

Why does it all happen at once? Overwhelmed.

I did see this today and for some reason, it made me feel a little better. It doesn't even correlate directly to what's going on in my life right now...but it's somehow comforting. It's from an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Cheesy...yes. But it is simple, deep, profound, and it rings true. It's about change.

When we say things like, “people don’t change,” it drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it’s always changing. Morphing, merging, growing, dying. It’s the way people try not to change, that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were, instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change, that’s up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it. It can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment, we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.