On January 1, 2010, I wrote this:
Dear Boise,
It's not you, it's me. I know that's a horrible cliche to refer to when loosening ties with someone...but it's true. You're cute. You're charming. You're vibrant. You provide a quality of life that most people across the country probably don't experience. You're filled with good, honest people who love you for what you give them...a wonderful place to call home. In all honesty, I can't find a single thing wrong with you. So why would I want to break up with you? I already told you why. It's not you. It's me. That's all I can say. I'm sorry.
Love, Lincoln
I've had a lot on my mind the past several months. I haven't really opened up, on this blog at least, because things were muddled. They still are. But I need to flesh out my thoughts and this seems like the perfect place to do it. I have no immediate plans to leave Boise. My contract is up in a couple months. I've been looking around for new opportunities but they're either few and far between or the competition for them is insanely intense. I'm assuming I have the option to stay at my current job and negotiate a new contract. If that turns out to be true...do I want to do that? There's something to be said for simply "having a job" during times like these. But I wrote that letter to Boise for a reason. I feel like I need to move on. It's time. Coming here was the right thing to do. I learned a lot. I grew a lot. But I'm ready for the next step. But therein lies the problem. What is the next step? I have no idea....
.....There are big changes going on around me. It'd be nice to be a part of them...but I feel left out. And even though I'd like to move forward....I'm not even sure where I want to go. It's no secret the broadcasting business is struggling. Jobs are scarce. Salaries have taken a nosedive. The future looks bleak. That just adds more fuel to this already confusing fire.
Oh, and let's not forget one other important thing. I turn 30 this year. My birthday is just under three months away. It's a big milestone. I'd love to feel confident, put-together, and comfortable in my own skin on such a big day. Instead, I'm on my way feeling like a lost mess.
Happy New Year.
That was 16 months ago. To think of all that's happened between then and now makes my head spin. The moral to a story usually comes at the end. But I'll give it to you now. I was done with Boise 16 months ago. As it turns out...Boise was not done with me.
I use the term "Boise" in an overarching sense. It's simply a context provider. While I love this town very much, I haven't had any profound relationship with the city itself. But it's been my home for more than three years. It's easier to attach a name and a place to the "mystical unknowns" that kept me here longer than I ever thought I'd stay.
For me, moving to Portland is moving forward. I thought I was ready for it 16 months ago. But I wasn't. I can't think of a precise quote but I know I've heard many people say something to the effect of, "you can't move forward while you're still stuck in the past." I wasn't exactly stuck in the past. But I was stuck. Not long after I wrote that New Year's blog entry, I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. I won't go into detail as to why. But that night I made the vow to myself to "live authentically." It was a slow process but I accomplished it in bits and pieces. I opened up to friends and family in a way that freed myself. It's what I needed to do to become unstuck.
That's one big reason Boise wasn't ready to let me go. But there's another. It's one that threw me for a loop in ways I'm still trying to understand. I don't like spill my guts on this blog. But I can cover the basics. I met someone. Someone I cared for deeply. It wasn't love. There was too much uncertainty and hesitation for that to develop. But it was something I've never experienced before...at least not in pure, genuine terms. They cared about me too. But the scales weren't balanced. My feelings turned out to be stronger. I'm told it happens to everyone at some point in life. Still...it's kind of embarrassing. The whole thing made me act a little strange. I was more dramatic than I wanted to be. But...I have a feeling it happened the way it was supposed to. It's taught me some valuable lessons. And, hopefully, I've at least gained a long-term friend. Maybe we can laugh about it together one day.
I like proper endings. I like to put things into context. Fitting my Boise experience into a nice, neat little package has proved almost impossible. I've tried writing this blog entry more than a dozen times. I never got very far. But this is what I've come up with. It's not as witty as I wanted. It's not as well-written as I wanted. It's not as profound or thought-provoking as I wanted. But it is the basic rundown. I guess that's all I really need.
My heart may be heavy as I make this drive and start this life. But I'm not stuck anymore. I'm free...and I can't wait to see what lands on the pages of this new chapter.
Thanks Boise...for everything.
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