Restless

I left Salt Lake in June of 2002. It was an exciting time for me. I was headed to Glacier National Park for a much needed respite. I didn't know at the time that it was the beginning of a four-year stint as a seasonal tourism worker. No one else knew that either. I think most people thought I would "get away" for the summer and return to normal life. When that didn't happen, friends and family began to wonder about me. That bothered me. So I had to respond.

I'm not actually sure if any of my friends or family ever saw this. I meant to give it to people...and maybe I did. I just don't remember. Either way, I believe I wrote this before I left for New Zealand in 2003.

Everyone is so puzzled by what I'm doing. That frustrates me but at least I can understand why they feel that way. I had such direction in my life. I was winning awards and doing internships. Everyone said I had talent. I was headed somewhere...maybe even somewhere fast. Then the shit hit the fan. I broke up with Erin, my private life spilled out into the open, and I was left by myself to mop things up. I sought refuge in Montana. Going to Glacier was a chance for me to heal. I wanted to get away from Salt Lake and the people I knew. I wanted to meet new people and make new friends. I wanted to recuperate...and I did. My breakup was the hardest thing I've ever been through, but I'm over it. I've healed. I don't feel sad anymore. I'm even glad it happened. I guess most people assume that when you finally get through a difficult time in your life, you kind of go back to the way things were. You resume life in a sense. Going to Glacier prompted me to start living again. But instead of going back to the way things were (journalism, internships, finding a job) I started to explore some different options. Instead of backtracking, I started down a brand new path. Once I traveled far enough down that avenue, there was no going back.

Despite how things look, I have not lost direction or motivation. I've simply discovered what's really important to me. By traveling and doing seasonal work I get to hike, snowboard, ski, mountain bike and learn how to participate in countless other activities. It's fun. How could it not be? But if anyone believes I'm doing seasonal work just to "have fun," they are sadly mistaken. I'm out there looking for (and finding along the way) two things much more serious and profound than that...myself and human relationships. You always hear about people trying to "find themselves." Most people will roll their eyes at such a "corny" idea. They don't understand it. But I can truly relate to it. It's hard for me to explain but just try to believe me when I say it's an integral part of my life. It's a goal to keep striving for. It's the people I meet along the way that help me reach that goal. I have never had better friends in my life than the ones I've met in Montana. And the prospect of meeting more incredible people throughout the world is very exciting for me. I didn't go back to Glacier for the hiking or the bus driving or for the fun of it. I went to meet the people. Lucky for me I did because I left Glacier this year with four of the best friends I'll ever have. Friends like them have become very important to me...and I'd love to find more. Who knows...I might even find the person I'll spend the rest of my life with.

People measure success in different ways. For some it can be how far they get in their career, how much money they have, or even raising children. For me, right now, success is the tight bonds I've helped create and the truth I've learned about myself.

My point is that I'm not done yet. I'm not satisfied just yet with the things and people I've discovered. I still feel like something else is out there waiting for me. Therefore, I'm going to keep traveling and doing seasonal work until I find it. God only knows when that will be. And even when I do, that doesn't mean I'm going to go back to "real life" as so many people imagine it. I would still like to work in the field of broadcasting. That's not to say my desires won't change but it still interests me. I trained for it and I enjoy it. It's just that I may not take the most common path to get there. I may not be the news reporter or anchor I always dreamed of. Then again I might be. I just don't know. And I'm not going to decide anytime soon no matter how much others may feel like I need to. I no longer believe your life path is supposed to be decided when you're young. It seems more logical to me that you keep discovering new forks in the road as you go through life. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to be in five years...and I like it that way.

Don't worry about me. Don't wonder, with concern, what happened to all of my goals. They're still there. They're just different now. I decided to write this because I'm getting tired of all the serious, half-serious, and joking attempts to nudge me back into the "real" world. No one ever expected this path for me and I certainly never expected it for myself. But my mother always told me that the most important thing in life was being happy. So be happy for me...because I've never been happier.

"Not all who wander are lost." J.R.R Tolkien

I found this letter near the end of this very strange day. It's been a day of out-of-nowhere signals and clues as to where I'm headed in life and where I want to go. I can't quite make sense of all of it just yet. But I feel a change on the horizon. It could be as simple as a new job in broadcasting. It could be something else entirely. I honestly have no idea. But I've been anxious all day. Finding this letter eased my mind quite a bit. There's a connection between what I was feeling when I wrote this and what I'm feeling now. But I can't explain what the connection is. My present circumstances are very different from those of 2003. But there's a sense of familiarity that I just can't put my finger on. The water is muddy right now. I need to be patient and let the dirt settle. Then I'll be able to see more clearly.