Hello...Goodbye

Um...hi there.

Let's not talk about the fact I haven't posted anything since January. It's been a rough time for me. But things are looking up.

Here's the brief synopsis: I leave Boise in a few days. I'm headed to Portland, Oregon for a reporting job at a station there. I'm stoked.

My last day at work was last week. Here's what they did for me.

I'll write more later. I promise. I'm not giving up on this blog. I just took a brief hiatus.

Adios for now.

Uncertainty...with a paycheck

There's still no certainty in my life. I still haven't found a new job I can be excited about. But...I'm still employed. I'm now working without a contract. I'm officially an at-will employee. I can leave whenever I want. They can get rid of me whenever they want. Overall, it's a good thing. But that means it's "go" time. I need to find a way out...before they kick me out.

That's all I have to say. For now, I'll leave you with some more pictures of me with snakes. The green one peed on me shortly after the photo was taken. Bastard.

I love Creature Feature Wednesdays.

2010

It's about 10:30 on New Year's Eve. I'm home alone. I'd be out with friends right now, but I'm sick. I don't feel terrible....just your average cold. But I hate being sick so much, that I try not not to do anything that will jeopardize a quick recovery. Partying it up on New Year's Eve might just do that. I'm only slightly disappointed about now being out right now. That kind of surprises me. I hate the feeling of being left out. I don't like missing out on things. Under normal circumstances, I'd be seriously annoyed that folks were having fun without me. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. But these aren't normal circumstances. This year has been anything but normal.

It's hard for me put into words what I'm feeling right now. I had such high hopes for 2010. It was my 30th year after all. That seems like the perfect milestone to "get it together" and emerge a brand new person.

Hasn't really happened.

When I actually look back, I realize nothing terrible has happened to me. In fact, I've had some really good times. I went to Arches National Park for my 30th birthday...along with some awesome friends. I saw one of my best friends get married on a beautiful summer night in north Idaho. I went skydiving for the second time and loved every second of it. I opened up to friends in a way I'd always wanted to...and realized there was never anything to be scared of. New people came into my life suddenly and unexpectedly...and quickly became confidants and best friends.

When all is said and done...it was on okay year. But I cannot help being down on myself professionally. I have been ready to move on for so long now and it's just not happening for me. I don't know what it is. But it's definitely a confidence killer.

The only thing I wonder about...

The only thing I still can't figure out....

Is whether I'm still in Boise for a reason.

I'm still trying to figure that one out. It's apparently too soon to tell.

Happy New Year everyone. I'm intrigued to see what 2011 brings all of us.

There are no words

Living daily life is hard enough. Living it while being completely overwhelmed...is something else entirely.

I'm sorry I haven't written in a month. I think about it every day. But I just can't bring myself to do it. There's too much going on inside my head. That happens to some people and they turn to writing. They write and write and it helps sort things out. I'm not like that. I need a clear head to write...and things are anything but clear at the moment.

I am...lost. I really am. The crazy thing is that I know where I want to go. I just can't find a why to get there.

I've got serious professional dilemmas. I've discussed them at length so there's no need to bring them up again. There's still no clear direction for me.

I've got personal dilemmas too. For the longest time, I felt like I was on the outside looking in when it came daily life. I was free from drama and heartache and was glad I didn't have to deal with what my friends were dealing with. I was also free from love and relationships and the general good feelings associated with deep human connectivity. But that was okay.

My how things change. I'm not on the outside anymore...and I'm having a hard time dealing.

Why does it all happen at once? Overwhelmed.

I did see this today and for some reason, it made me feel a little better. It doesn't even correlate directly to what's going on in my life right now...but it's somehow comforting. It's from an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Cheesy...yes. But it is simple, deep, profound, and it rings true. It's about change.

When we say things like, “people don’t change,” it drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it’s always changing. Morphing, merging, growing, dying. It’s the way people try not to change, that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were, instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change, that’s up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it. It can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment, we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.

Slytherin

Ahem. I'm gonna DORK OUT for a moment and say that if I lived in the world of Harry Potter, I might be put in the house of Slytherin. Here's why.

Every Wednesday, "The Reptile Guy," Corbin Maxey, comes to our station to show off some of his animals. (They're not all reptiles...just most of them). This past week, he brought some snakes. He had two small ball pythons. Apparently, they are very docile and the make great pets. I have to admit. I even think they're kinda cute. I'm just not afraid of snakes like I am spiders. I don't know why. If I didn't have to go through the effort of taking care of one and feed it small rodents...I might even consider owning one. I even though it was adorable as the little sucker tried to strangle me.

The ball pythons were just the appetizer. The real guest was Rocky. Take a look.

That's Corbin holding Rocky on the end. He's a rock python. I wasn't too sure about him. Mainly because he was big and Corbin kept say they have nasty reputations, nasty attitudes, dozens of sharp teeth, and they can eat a human. Oh. That's nice. Rocky was pretty subdued though. He slithered toward Kyle and I a few times but did not try to kill us.

Can't wait to see what Corbin brings this week.

Pretty, pretty, pretty

I live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth...and I'm not just talking about Boise. Although Boise is beautiful in its own right, I'm talking about what's right outside my door. I live along the Boise River, underneath a plethora of foliage. Right now, at this moment, it is gorgeous. I don't need the amazing Autumn colors you'll find back east. I don't need to take a drive to Colorado to see the Aspen leaves change color. I can walk outside, stand on the Greenbelt, and look up in awe. I'm certainly no nature photographer. I'm sure a professional could take much better pictures. But here's what it looks like outside my door. I think it's pretty.

Fall is beautiful here.

The Story of Flagneck

I like being genuinely surprised. Especially when it's the kind of surprise that comes out of nowhere and makes you grin from ear to ear. That's what happened late last week when I walked into my room to get a pair of shoes from my closet. I looked up and saw this:

That thing has a name. It's Flagneck. Here's a closer look.

When I first spotted him, I stood there stunned with my mouth agape. Then the smile slowly spread across my face. Flagneck had finally come to Boise. This was a good, good day.

Flagneck's story begins in the summer of 2003. People first noticed him as he sat on the shelves of the Many Glacier Hotel gift shop. It wasn't long before he was deemed the "ugliest piece of merchandise" in the entire store...by the employees of course. I couldn't have agreed more. I'm all for being patriotic. But this is the kind of thing an overweight, midwestern housewife with far-right leanings and a gun rack would choose to put in her home. Hideous. Ridiculous. Tacky. Ugly. But also loveable. Flagneck became so iconically repulsive...that everyone loved him. I didn't work in the gift shop so I'm not sure if anyone ever bought Flagneck. I believe there was one confirmed purchase. But I think we had two in stock, so we never lost sight of the little guy. I don't remember much about Flagneck in 2004. I think he was there. But I'm not really sure. His iconic status, however, returned in 2005...when a new breed of gift shop employees found a way to celebrate his tackiness. T-shirts of course. Take a look.

Linda, Bev, and Stephanie. Don't they look gorgeous in their Flagneck garb?

That was my last summer in Glacier. I lost track of Flagneck then. My understanding is that he lived on. I don't know exactly where he's been over the past 5 years. I just know that he's resided in different parts of the country with different mutual friends...passed around like a trophy....a piece of memorabilia to induce warm, fuzzy memories of our collective time in Glacier. He's been in Portland for at least the past year...living with Jason and Shelly (Shellson).

How did he end up in Boise? Ron and Jessie (Sipner) were in Portland last week to pick up a car and visit Shellson. On their way back to Colorado they stopped for a brief respite in Boise. They were only here one night. But in that night, they managed to slip me the remarkable gift of Flagneck.

So, for now, Flagneck has come to roost in the City of Trees. I don't know how long he'll be here. He might follow me to wherever I end up next. Or I may hand him off to another unsuspecting Glacier veteran when they least suspect it. I'm just happy to see him again.

Needing more

Boise has been good for me. I've learned a lot and I've grown as a news anchor. I'm comfortable on the desk. I know how to do weather. I'm good (at least I think I am) when it comes to ad-libbing. I can go from serious topics to fun ones and then back again. I'm pretty versatile and I like that. But it's hard to find a job that gives you EVERYTHING. For me, that's reporting...especially live reporting. As a morning anchor, it's hard to come by. Being in the field is rare for me. Covering a live, breaking news situation proves even more elusive. I have zero doubts that I can do it...and do it well. But this business is about proving it. I have to prove to prospective employers that I can do it. That's the tough part. I'm applying for several reporting jobs. This is what I have to show people. I think it's strong...but it's missing key elements. I'm just hoping it's enough.

Creature Feature

My face says it all. I'm not a fan of having a tarantula put into my hands. But I didn't freak out. Although spiders sometimes scare the crap out of me, I'm oddly more at ease with a big arachnid than a smaller one. Smaller ones seem to move too fast. They can hide in your shoes, behind the bed, somewhere where you least expect them. I feel like I would notice a tarantula. Still...you can't tell that my hand was shaking when these photos were taken.

Charlotte, as she's called, was brought on by Corbin Maxey. Corbin is known as "The Reptile Guy." He's a Boise native. He's made the rounds at the other stations in town. He's also made several national TV appearances. It was the first time we had him on our station. Good times.

Natalee was not a fan of the snake. I'm less afraid of snakes than spiders but I was still a little wary.

Chompers was my favorite. Very cute.

It's days like this when I really like my job.

Rip City

Sudden, strong, intense infatuations are dangerous. They can mess you up inside. They can lead you to believe that if you don't get what you want...nothing will ever be right with the world. Or more specifically...nothing will ever be right with YOUR world. No amount of rational thought, from your own mind or the mind of another, can make you see otherwise. If you're lucky, you get what you want. (Whether what you get is really what you ever wanted...well that's a different story entirely). If you're not lucky enough to get what you want, hopefully the infatuation passes quickly and you can move on with your life. I've dealt with this situation before. (Very recently actually). I think we all have. But now I have a new problem. A new obsession. Portland, Oregon is calling my name...and I can't hear anything else.

I've always liked Portland. I've always thought it would be cool to live there. It's always been near the top of the list of places I want to live. But all of a sudden, I'm freaking out about it. I don't want to go anywhere BUT Portland. There are a number of reasons why. But none of them can be considered big enough for me to have such narrow vision. As stupid as it sounds. As corny as sounds. As irrational as it sounds. I really think it's speaking to me.

Scary stuff. Forget the fact that job hunting in the news biz is hard ANYWHERE in the country. It's worse when you focus on just one place.

Maybe my sudden crush on Portland will pass. I don't know. For now, I'm hoping our relationship is meant to be...and the obsession is just a precursor to reality. I'll let you know.

p.s. Rip City is apparently a lesser-known nickname for Portland. I liked it better than the City of Roses.

New year, new....something

Well. So much for this blogging "everyday" idea. I guess I shouldn't make promises. At the very least, I'm blogging on a "more frequent" basis. That counts for something, right?

In other news...check out this job posting on TVJobs.com. (I censor it for search purposes. Anyone could find out where I work if they wanted to. But I'd rather not have them find this blog by searching for my station).

Morning Anchor/Producer

****-TV

Nampa, ID

Yep. That's my job. It's now being advertised for all the world to see. I've officially told my bosses that I won't be signing a new contract. I'll likely be staying through the end of the year and then...well who knows? There is no plan at this point. I admit that I'm scared. Leaving my job is bittersweet. While I complain about recent changes, the truth is I've been allowed to professionally grow and develop in ways I didn't imagine.

I've compared my current situation to the idea of walking away from a relationship that's run it's course. You've had a great time. You have great love and respect and admiration for the other person. You're comfortable with them. But deep down, you know it's just...not...right...anymore. You're afraid to walk away because you know it's going to be hard. You have NO idea what's going to happen or what you're going to do. Still, you know it's time to go. That's how I feel. It IS time to go. I know that. I just wish I had some sort of a plan right now. I wish a great job prospect would smack me in the face. I wish I didn't have to worry about paying my bills. I'm wishing for a lot of things. But, at the very least, I have a sense of relief. Relief doesn't have to feel happy and joyful. It can be tinged with a sense of melancholy and resignation. That's where I am right now. I'm relieved I've taken a big step. Where I actually end up going...is anyone's guess.

Waiting for the end

I'm a little obsessed with this song at the moment. I listen to it and I get lost in the lyrics. It seems to be about the end of a relationship. My personal interpretation is a bit different...but for me, it's more about my relationship with where I am in life right now. The lyrics say it all.

Yesterday? Last night?

I've been working the graveyard shift for nearly 3 full weeks now. In two words...it sucks.

I didn't know what to expect. I've worked overnights before but never on a semi-permanent basis. In the times I did do it, I just powered through (occasionally napping when I shouldn't have) and got back to my regular schedule when I could. I can't do that anymore. I'm stuck on this schedule for at least the next two months...possibly three. I've seen what it does to people. From observation I thought my biggest problem was going to be lack of sleep. That's actually not the case. I guess I've learned to do without sleep over the past two and half years. Working early mornings will do that. The biggest problem for me is the blending of days and nights.

Terms like "yesterday" and "last night" don't mean the same thing anymore. I don't even know what "yesterday" means. Yeah, I worked last night...and by "last night" I mean early in the morning. It's all too confusing. It's effing me up psychologically. Morning is supposed to be the start of a new day. Not for me. I'm heading home to go to bed. Evening is supposed to be the time for winding down and getting ready for bed. Nope. I'm driving on a deserted freeway to work in an empty building with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.

As far as actual work goes...it's okay. I expected worse. I'm continually hoping for better...and a good night's sleep...at night...when it's dark...and everyone else is sleeping.

Okay. I'm done.

That cabin in...East Glacier?

David Walburn is a singer/songwriter in Montana. Every summer he does nightly shows at the Many Glacier Hotel in Glacier National Park. One of his shows centers around an adventure he had in the 80's, when he and his buddies built a cabin in the Alaskan backcountry. In one of his songs, the lyric "that cabin in Alaska" is fairly prominent. I won't tell you the story about the cabin...although it's a good one. But I was lucky enough to make a pilgrimage there with some friends back in 2005. Take a look.

Fast forward to 2010. There's a new cabin from a different David. It's in East Glacier, Montana just outside Glacier National Park. Here's Dave with his pride and joy.

While I greatly respect Dave, and repeatedly name him as the one friend who would drive across country to bail me out of jail...he couldn't build this sucker all by himself. That's where another friend of ours comes in...Danny. He did most of the work on Dave's cabin...and he did a damn good job. Here's Danny working on his next project...his own cabin on the west side of Glacier.

I'm a month late in writing about these cabins and my recent trip to Glacier. But it was an awesome vacation. I was gone for 10 days. I'd like to say I did a lot of hiking and backpacking and camping. But that would be a lie. Instead I did a lot of napping, eating, drinking, and visiting with friends. But that's fine. I pretty much went there with one goal in mind...and I accomplished it. Looking back, I now realize this trip had a special purpose. While I would have liked to hike around a bit more, the trip was about frying bigger fish. If I really whittled it down, I could count my best friends in life on two hands. Seven of them were with me on this trip. Thanks guys.

It was also a significant trip for Ron & Jessie. I'd refer you to their blog but they haven't updated it in a loooooong time. (hint, hint). Conventional wisdom goes that Jessie didn't care much for Ron when they first met. That's the story we all tell. I don't know if it's really true. Either way, they eventually did grow on each other and Ron proposed in Glacier. Here they are on the shores of Lake Josephine.

Congrats guys. You deserve it.

Still looking

I guess it might be weird to post a picture that you can already see at the top of my blog. But it seemed appropriate for my mood today.

I walked out of work this morning and the sun was just starting to come up. It was a pretty morning. Crisp and cool. I looked out at the horizon and immediately thought of this picture. I don't know the story behind it. I found it on the internet one day. But sometimes I'll make up a version of who I think this man is and what I think he's doing. This morning is the first time I saw him as myself. "I'm still looking," I said to myself. "Still looking."

Interpret that how you will.

The Big Leagues

It was a taste of the big leagues in Boise this past weekend. For the town, and all of Idaho for that matter, it was a chance to shine in the national spotlight. For me, it was a chance to experience national television, and all the excitement that goes with it. ESPN's College Gameday came to Bronco Stadium ahead of that night's big matchup between Boise State and Oregon State. I was lucky enough to be behind the scenes all morning. Here's what it looked like.

I'm not a HUGE sports fan. I rarely watch ESPN. But this was cool. It was a roving production of a popular national sports broadcast...and I was in heaven just observing everything. I worked a little too. My morning colleagues and I were doing a couple stories on how the show sets up and we had a chance to interview all five Gameday anchors; Lee Corso, Chris Fowler, Kirk Herbstreit, Desmond Howard, and Erin Andrews. I took a bunch of photos. This one is my favorite.

I have no desire to be a sports broadcaster. But hanging around watching Gameday come together only affirmed my love for broadcasting. It only motivated me to keep working towards the "big leagues." It's a fight to the top. I know that. But it's also the one thing I've wanted since I've been a kid. I gotta keep going for it.

Here are some of my other favorite photos from Saturday.

This is our morning meteorologist Kyle interviewing Erin Andrews.

Erin Andrews was, by far, the most popular person there. Here's Kyle and Natalee with her. I took one for the team and took the picture.

Last, but not least, I have to point out how awesome my little Canon digital camera is. I specifically bought it because it had a powerful zoom in a small, compact package. The zoom is awesome. This photo was taken from about 100 yards away. No joke.

I think it's pretty impressive.

Oh...and Boise State won that night's game. Good on ya Broncos. National championship on the way?

Number 5

First thing's first. Despite my earlier blog posting about vowing to write something EVERYDAY...I haven't. I missed Saturday and Sunday. I don't feel too bad about it because it was an incredibly busy weekend. I'll write about that tomorrow. But on to today.

I mourned TV Wife #4 for a few months. But I've recovered quickly. Meet TV Wife #5. Her name is Natalee.

She came from a small station in Oregon. She's only been on the show about two weeks. So far, she's fitting in well with Kyle and I. I have no idea how much longer I'll be working at my station, but it's good to have a partner in crime to share the mornings with once again.

My bad

I've had funnier moments on the anchor desk, but this was mildly amusing...so I thought I'd share. During the intros, listen carefully for the "ka-ding" while Natalee is talking.

Now that I think about it, I think my text message has gone off one other time on the desk. But my phone has never rang. (knock on wood).

WTF!?

I have a cool cat named Merlin. One of his best attributes is his willingness to take care of pests. If I see a spider in my apartment, I just show Merlin. He'll fixate on it, play with it for a little while, then eat it. It's a good system we've got going. I've done this with earwigs, potato bugs, flies, and small beetles. (My apartment's not infested...I promise. I live right by a river and there are insects everywhere). Sometimes, Merlin spots the intruders before I do. On plenty of occasions, I'll walk into a room and see him torturing some poor, helpless creature. I had gotten used to it. Then, one evening last week, I walked into the living room and saw Merlin standing over this.

I was stunned. There was a snake. Inside. My apartment. I just stood there for a moment taking it in. I have a pretty strong fear of spiders. Snakes...not so much. But still...there was a SNAKE inside my apartment. That's not supposed to happen. After a second or two of disbelief I sprung into action before Merlin could terrorize the little bastard any more. I picked him up by the tail. He was a tiny little guy. Obviously, I had to take more pictures. This one is for some perspective on size. See? Pretty small.

Here he is curled up in the glass I used to carry him outside and release him.

Again...I'm not afraid of snakes. But I was much more shocked by this than if I had seen a spider.

I think Merlin was a little pissed at me. It was by far the biggest prize he's ever gotten...and I took it away from him. Plenty more spiders to come Merlin.

New reality

I hate to assume things. Everyone knows that famous saying about "assuming" anything. But we do it anyway. I'm no exception.

I can't see the future. I really don't know what's going to happen. But I'm pretty sure life's going to change in some big ways between now and the new year. If I'm wrong (which is always a possibility) you can say to me, "see what happens when you assume?"

I'm living a new reality...in a couple different ways. In some cases, this new way of doing things has been forced on me. In others, I'm choosing this route myself. In some cases, I'm happy about where things are going. In others...I'm not.

First, and this is pretty banal, I'm making a new blogging commitment. Between now and the end of the year, I'll be blogging EVERY DAY. Even though I don't advertise this blog anywhere else, I think it's an important tool for me. I'm a journalist in a rapidly changing media landscape. I need to branch out in whatever ways I can. An everyday commitment will hopefully improve my writing skills and force me to think more creatively (especially when I feel there's nothing to blog about). I think I probably lost some readers over the past few years with my sporadic postings. Maybe I can gain some of them back.

Second, my current job is likely to end within the next three months. Staying employed is my decision. Unfortunately, changing work conditions were not chosen by me. They've been so bad lately that my day of reckoning is soon to arrive. I'll need to let the powers that be know whether I want to stay. Not only that, I'll need to choose between going and signing a long-term commitment. I've been looking for new employment for a while now. There are few bright spots on the horizon. I also have bills to pay. I'm not independently wealthy. I'm scared to be unemployed. But I don't want to be motivated by fear.

Third, (and this is the hardest one of all), I'm making a pledge to be more genuine and comfortable in my own skin. I've taken some big steps in that direction this year. I'm proud of myself for that. But I've got a long way to go.

There are other aspects to my new reality. But I'm keeping them to myself for now. Still need some secrets...right?

Wish me luck. I need it.