'Tis the season

Geez. Long time, no post. Sorry about that. (as if anyone cares).

The past week and a half has flown by. Work, as usual, has been a rollercoaster ride of exhaustion, exhiliaration, soul-sucking annoyance, and success.

There's no serious movement in the job hunt. I'm waiting to hear back from Boise. It could be any day now.

In the meantime, I've tried to get into the Christmas spirit. I won't be going home this year. :( That's sad. I do, however, have a Christmas tree that I cut down myself. It took a while to get it decorated but here it is.
Those are Glacier National Park ornaments. (I know...I'm a dork). I figured a bear tree topper would be ideal.

I also went to a Christmas party this past weekend. Some photos:

The Jewish sports guys and their Manischewitz wine

The "CBS Girls." Right women...wrong station

Jerrita & I. She brings some southern flavor to Montana

Saboe and I...I forget she's a traitor when she wears a big bow

One Christmas tradition I have not delved into...Christmas shopping. I'm sorry folks. I'm not buying presents for anyone. I'm poor. I have no time. Don't waste your money on me.

I'm going to bed now. And I'm sleeping in tomorrow...for the first time in a long time.

Bozeman to Boise?

I went.
I saw.
I'm intrigued.

There's the summary for my Boise trip. I don't really know what else to say.

There were no moments of "Wow!!! This job is perfect for me!" At the same time there were no thoughts of "hmmm....I'm not so sure about this." Simply put, I don't know what to think.

The Pros:
The people at the station were amazing. Everyone was friendly, welcoming, and genuinely interested in talking with me. The station, obviously, is a big step up from where I am now. More toys, more people, more money. The job I interviewed for is a great opportunity. Good position to jump to. Decent pay. Well-balanced workload. The station "looks" great. Vibrant, professional, fast-paced way of delivering the news. Graphics are beautiful. They recently won an Emmy for best newscast in their region.

The Cons:
A jump from where I am now...but within their own TV market (competing against 3 other stations), they face lots of challenges. Boise is very big and unfamiliar. I know this is to be expected but still, it discouraged me a little. The station faces some financial hurdles.

....you know what? This is stupid. As I write this I'm realizing it really is a great opportunity. Simply writing down the pros and cons has cleared things up a lot. Who knew I'd have some sort of epiphany while writing this post. I'm convinced my biggest reservation is fear of the unknown.

Granted, I have not been offered a job. They have other candidates to interview as well. But if things go my way, there's a very good chance I'll be in Boise within a couple months. Time will tell.

Sicky Sickerton

I'm sick.

I called in sick to work on Monday. I went to work Tuesday. Anchoring for just 10 minutes at 6 o'clock really did a number on my throat and voice. By the 10 o'clock show...it was worse. Before the show started there was a nagging voice in the back of my head saying, "you shouldn't be doing this." I did it anyway. It wasn't good. I kept it together for the most part but I was talking very quietly, my voice was shaky, and I was swallowing in the middle of sentences.

I woke up this morning and called in sick again. I sat home, pretty much all day, doing nothing. It's been okay...if not extremely boring. I've been doing a lot of thinking today....not all of it productive.

I leave for Boise this Sunday. I'm excited. A little nervous too. What if I hate it? What if I like it? What if I hate it and they desperately want me. What if I like it and want them to desperately want me? What if I'm indifferent?

Another strange opportunity popped up this week. A job in Topeka, Kansas. A good job...with a good salary. I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking the same thing. Kansas? Still, something about it made me think, "don't rule this out just yet." We'll see where that goes.

I'm solidly addicted to 4 reality TV shows. A Shot at Love with Tela Tequila, Keeping up with the Kardashians, I Love New York 2, and The Girls Next Door. Frankly, I'm falling in love with Tela myself.

I hate the fact they took pseudoephedrine out of over the counter cold medicines. Screw the meth heads...it's the only thing that works for me. I know I can still get it from the pharmacy, but they weren't open at 10 o'clock the other night.

Christmas is coming? It might as well be January. It's a shock that I actually have a Christmas tree in my apartment. I'm just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. It's not that I'm being a grinch and Christmas is pissing me off. I simply haven't noticed it. I haven't given a single thought to presents, decorating, Christmas shopping...nothing.

I'm sort of missing Utah. I think it's because I was watching the Dick Nourse and Michelle King farewells online. They reminded me of growing up in Utah and Salt Lake. It made me a little sad. God knows I love Montana...but I miss Utah.

O Tannenbaum

For the first time ever, I cut down my own Christmas tree yesterday. I'm sure cutting your own tree is not a "uniquely Montana" tradition. However, I had never heard of doing that until I moved here. I should have done it two years ago when I first moved here but hey....better late than never. Joining me were Jeff & Rob, the two Bozeman sports guys. (Jeff is Jewish and was cutting down a tree for a friend). Here we are below with the trees we chose. Mine isn't the biggest, but it's definitely the best.

It was a good winter weekend in Montana. I went snowboarding on Saturday and then romped through the Gallatin National Forest on Sunday. On top of that one of my best friends and I got even closer. That was good too.

My TV Crush

My desire to be a news anchor is inextricably linked with Michelle King.

It all began on January 28, 1986. I've blogged about it before. What I didn't mention in that post of nearly 2 years ago...was the face staring back at me that night. It was the face of Michelle King.

I was entranced by her. I'm not sure why. Why do any of us develop the crushes we do? There was just something about her. She was, and still is, my favorite news anchor.

I've met her a few times, though I'm not sure she'd remember me. I was an intern at KUED in Salt Lake. I worked on a weekly public affairs program called Civic Dialogue. It was a weekly show where notable community members would sit down for a half-hour interview. I floated the idea of having "local TV news anchor Michelle King" sit down for a personal chat. My bosses liked the idea and told me to book her. I was pretty nervous. "Do I just call KUTV and ask for Michelle King," I asked myself. That's what I did. I got her voicemail. She called back the next day and graciously agreed to do the interview. I finally met her in person on interview day.

A year or so later, I scored an internship at KUTV. I had been working there a few days before I saw her. She remembered me as the one who asked her to do the KUED interview. I thought that was pretty cool. For a while I didn't get a whole lot out of that internship. I was too busy staring around the newsroom...in awe of the people (Michelle King front and center) I had grown up watching. Gradually, that faded and I was able to see everyone as down to earth people.

I don't live in Utah anymore, so I don't get to watch Michelle King every night. Still, it was a little disheartening to hear that she had chosen to retire. Tonight is her last broadcast...after 29 years at KUTV. (It's also Dick Nourse's last show at KSL...after 43 years. Cool...but I just never was a huge Dick Nourse fan).

I'm such a news dork.

This is your life

I was going to devote this post to the topic of football. Yes, football. What in the hell does Lincoln, of all people, have to say about football? Tune in at a later date to find out.

As I was reaching into the memory bank (my journal) for this football entry, I came upon something that has completely perplexed me and thrown me for a loop.

At the end of my first year in Glacier National Park, I bought a journal. For the next 4 years, I wrote in that journal. I obviously didn't do it a lot...otherwise I would have filled the thing up long ago. But I wrote as regularly as could be expected of me.

My last entry was on September 17, 2006. Here's what it said:
"I know what I need to do. Yet the thought terrifies me. Or does it? I suppose the act of "doing" will be terrifying but right now I only feel slight apprehension. I'm wanting more right now. Just something else. Soon, Lincoln. Soon."

Here's the issue: I have absolutely no idea what I was talking about. Seriously. I can't remember. What was I terrified of doing? I looked back in my blog archives to see if my September '06 ramblings would clue me in. No dice. I'm completely, utterly dumbfounded.

I thought journals were supposed to help you re-live memories. Mine has only confused me.

Boise Bound

Finally...some actual movement.

I'm officially headed to Boise for a job interview. It's been on the radar for some time now but now...I actually have a plane ticket.

I've never had a burning desire to move to Boise. I'm not sure how I feel about the prospect. But when I weigh the pros and cons...I realize the cons are simply unknowns. I just don't know much about the city...or even Idaho for that matter. As for the possible job, it's a great opportunity with a seemingly great TV station. So for now, I'm simply excited to see what it's all about. I leave December 9th and I'm stoked.

There are still other possibilities out there....other angles to work. But perhaps this whole "looking for a new job" thing is finally (albeit slowly) coming to a head.

Rivalry

vs.

For the longest time, I was a myspace loyalist. Katie tried for months to convince me that facebook was where it's at. I didn't believe her. I made a feeble attempt to join facebook but it didn't go anywhere. My profile languished, incomplete and lacking substance, for months. Then...someone I had been thinking about for a while...someone I hadn't seen since high school...found that wispy little profile and contacted me. So, in order to communicate with this person, dived head first into the world of facebook.

Wow.

I didn't realize what I was missing. facebook is so much better than myspace. I feel like a 15-year-old girl when I say that but it's true. And there's one simple little reason for the truthfulness:

People.....Are.....Lazy

I don't care how easy the internet makes it to stay connected. It can still be a chore to wade through everyone's profiles on myspace, leave comments, write messages, whatever. It's hard to keep track of it all. facebook does ALL of that for you. It puts in the extra effort for you. You don't have to go searching around to see what people are saying to each other. facebook simply tells you. Everything's automatic. When someone's profile changes...you are notified no matter what. I love it. Yes that's lame. Whatever.

I feel bad for myspace. I really do. I'm usually such a loyalist. But in this case...it just ain't gonna happen.

What the hell happened?

Not too long ago...life was good.

It was summer. I was eating right. I was active. I liked my job. The future looked bright. I was relatively happy.

All of a sudden...life sorta sucks.

It's cold outside. I'm stressed. I don't exercise anymore. Work is blech. I'm nervous about the future. I'm in a rut.

What the hell happened?

Seriously...how does life change so fast without me realizing it?

That's all. I need to get up at 5:30 so I should go to bed. Even though I can't sleep.

Crown & Coke

It's 5:30 p.m. on a Saturday night in Bozeman. I'm home alone, drinking a Crown & Diet Coke. Judge me. I don't care.

It's been an eventful couple of months. I never imagined I'd be where I am right now...dealing with what I'm dealing with. It's enlightening, frustrating, humbling, and exhausting...all at the same time. Here's a rundown of what I've learned recently.

1.) Management is not for me.

I've known that for a long time. Now I'm validated in that belief. Managing is basically babysitting....and I hate it. It's especially hard when you have to babysit the people you've been working with (on an equal level) for the past two years.

2.) People are greedy.

I don't care who you are...when it comes down to it...you're greedy. You're looking out for your own best interests. I'm not excluded in this. But in taking a "management" role at my station, I have a different perspective. Whether it's malicious or not, people are looking out for themselves...at all times...whether they realize it or not.

3.) If there's an open door...people walk through it.

This sort of goes with #2, but it's slightly different. People will take advantage of whatever new situation arises. They're looking out for numero uno...and when new cirumstances make that easier...they seize the opportunity.

4.) Competition can be ugly.

Maybe I don't know how to handle competition because I was never really into sports. But when two friends are suddenly put into the position of competing each other...things deteriorate quickly. It's no fun.

5.) Strong feelings can't be bottled up.

It's okay to fight. People do it all the time. I'd even say it's healthy. But after the cooldown period...you've got to talk things over. It makes for much healthier relationships...even with people you wouldn't consider close friends.

6.) It's easy to get burned out.

I've never been in this situation before. I used to think people who were "burned out" were just whining. Now I know better. Too much of anything can force your body to simply shut down.

7.) We all have an ego.

I don't care how shy or outgoing you are. Your ego is always wanting a little more attention or validation.

8.) Stress can change you.

I'm sure this is obvious to everyone. Personalities change when under stress...especially for those people who don't normally deal with a lot of stress.

9.) Accurate examination of self...is vital.

You've gotta be honest with yourself. You have to look at yourself truthfully. Much of the time, you won't like what you see. But if you can see what other see...you're more apt to change yourself for the better.

10.) Bodies need rest.

I guess science has known this for a while. I'm just beginning to realize it.

Sometimes I wish people I knew didn't read this blog...so I could be a little less vague and more open with my feelings. Then again, my ego would take a hit if I knew people weren't reading. Go figure.

Adjusting to my new reality

Here's the deal.

I work....a lot.

On most days, I'm in the office by 10 in the morning. I leave around 11 at night. There are some days when I literally do not leave the building the whole time. It sucks...to put it mildly. But there is no other choice. I'm news director, producer, anchor, reporter, light bulb changer, car washer, mediator, and any other job title that happens to find me.

It's not going to last forever...but it could last a while. I'm actively looking for a new job. It isn't easy. I'm not sure what I expected when I started the job hunt. I guess I was thinking good fortune and luck would simply come my way. That hasn't happened...yet. And while I've been discouraged for a while now...it's getting a lot better. Reality is setting in...and I'm adjusting to it. Bozeman is not a bad place. Work is terribly difficult right now, but I don't want to leave here...just to leave. When I do go, I want it to be to a place that I'm excited about...a place that's right for me...a place that speaks to me...a place that fits. I'm understanding now that it's going to take some time. I'm okay with that. I have to look on the bright side. I'm raking in the overtime. I'm getting managerial experience (even though I hate it and never wanted it in the first place). I'm still in a great place with good people. I'm being allowed to hunt for a job while I have job security.

So there you go. We'll see what happens.

Remember when...

...you could go trick or treating without having to worry about sex offenders?
...you had to carve a pumpkin WITHOUT those fancy/schmancy pumpkin carving kits with intricate designs and teeny weensy saws?

I was thinking about those two things today. I've seen all kinds of news stories across the country on how to keep your kids from trick or treating at the homes of sex offenders. Really? I guess it's something to be concerned about but...it didn't used to be like that.

And then...I carved a pumpkin last night without using those kits. It was interesting. It turned out well though. I can't remember the last time I did it.

All in all...a good Halloween. I was busy, of course...but still good.

I had way too many mini Twix bars today.

Scanner Comfort

I remember a time when my parents had a police scanner in their bedroom. I've no clue why they ever bought it. A novelty...I guess. Regardless, it became a constant presence for them. They listened to it all the time. I believe (and correct me if I'm wrong mom and dad) it reached the point of necessity. The background noise soon lulled them into sleep every night.

I guess I'm taking after my parents.

The scanner now sits on my nightstand...always turned on. Weird, I know. But I can't help it. I like the noise now. I've come to recognize the distinct differences between every dispatcher in Bozeman. I have my favorites. One is playful and will subtlely joke with officers, deputies, troopers, paramedics, and firefighters. One is intense...with a firm, tension-laced voice inflection no matter what's going on. There's one guy among the group. He's the least descriptive...and I've noticed occasional annoyance on the part of the cops when he's on duty. One is very friendly and has a voice that can only be described as "sweet sounding." One seems like she loves the adrenaline that goes with her position. You can hear the edge in her voice when something big is going on.

I've been to the dispatch center before. I've seen some of their faces. But I can't match those faces to a voice. I've spoken personally on the phone with many of them in the course of my job. (In one case it was when I called 911 to report the neighbors were fighting). I'm fascinated with their work. There are certain nights when there is SO MUCH going on...I can't imagine how they're doing it. And the lingo....don't even get me started. I'm entranced by it.

There is also the benefit of hearing about news events as they happen. I know my station won't miss something if I'm constantly listening to the scanner. But that's a side effect. For me, I just like listening. I can see how the police scanner stayed in my parents bedroom for so long.

Lame

My blog has sucked lately. I'm not writing that much. When I do, I'm usually whining about work. Half the time, I have something profound to say but I'm not nearly articulate enough to put it into actual words...so I give up.

That said...let's talk about work again. Here's the update.

I received two bites from two different stations. One in Eugene, Oregon...another in Boise, Idaho. As far as I know, I'm still in the "we're interested in you but haven't made any decisions yet" phase. It's nice to have some interest out there. I'm courting both stations and waiting for someone to make a serious move. When that happens...I'll start seriously weighing my options.

As far as my current job...it's a doozy. My official title at the station in Bozeman is (and I'm not joking here...it's written this way in my contract) Interim news director/senior producer/anchor/general assignment reporter. My news director left on Friday. I'm temporarily taking over. I'm getting a little more money and lots of overtime. It's going to be exhausting...but I'm resigned to it.

As far as my knees go....I think things are starting to turn around. The first time I noticed a difference was last Thursday. I have less pain...my physical therapy routine is getting easier...and I can walk up and down stairs or carry heavy equipment without wincing. I'm still hearing crunching sounds in both knees (something called crepitice) but the pain isn't there all the time.

In other news...I'm excited for the snow to start falling. I want to get on my snowboard. Bring it on Mother Nature.

Murderous Reality

Murder is big business. Just watch CourtTV. Lately, though, I can't really understand why.

Consider this:
Someone, for whatever reason, decides to KILL another human being. They shoot them in the head. They stab them in the chest. They beat them with a hammer. Whichever way they choose to do it...they are KILLING someone. After that happens, the victim's family has to deal with it all. Think for a moment if your mother were murdered. It's awful right? And yet...a murder that doesn't affect us...is entertainment. Why is that? Why does a murder case capture our undivided attention. Why are we so interested and entranced by the aftermath. Why is that the more gruesome or unusual the crime is...the more we like to watch?

I've been thinking about this the past couple days as we cover 2 different murder cases at our station. One happened in Butte. A man was stabbed to death outside a bar. The other...in Bozeman. A suspected drug dealer murdered (allegedly) by two former MSU athletes.

I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to liking this stuff. It's fun for me to be in the court room and hear the testimony. While not as dramatic as Law & Order, it's still a little bit like watching a TV show. I get excited. I want to hear the gory details...

...and then...

...I'm brought back to reality. I look to my left and see a woman sobbing...her husband holding her tightly as she tries to come to grips with the harsh reality of murder. The victim in the case is her son. This isn't entertainment for her. Her son's dead.

Pinch blogger

I sat down to write a meaningful blog entry...but I couldn't flesh out any idea that I had. So I'm taking something off Katie's blog that I really liked. Per her own post...this is not her creation. It was written my Horace Bushnell. I'm still combing over it looking for the nuggets of meaning I know lie within.

On a cold distant night
he stood outside glaring at the sky.

To the left were clouds,
hanging over his head and giving him a simple reminder
that life was far from perfect.

To the right was a clear path, a small glimpse of hope
that someday, somehow, he would muster up the energy
to finally allow himself to heal.

In an imperfect world where drama is the main attraction
there is only so much the soul can take.
We tell ourselves constantly that we are “tired” of the drama.
We continue to believe that the only way possible is to start all over.

Well at least he knew better.

Back in the day, drama was a word that had become an everyday part of his life.
His life had been filled with shambles
and his motivation fueled through bad life experiences.

He was out to please and prove.
He wanted them to know.
To see him as a person who not only mattered but deserved
to be worshiped in some way, shape, or form.

He knew exactly how he felt on the inside
and it was fear that kept him from displaying those deep emotions.
Being weak to him meant asking for help and that was simply not an option.

Because we can never quickly
realize how dramatic our lives can be,
we continue to create situationsthat become unhealthy and unloving.
We tell ourselves that being
angry, upset, or even jealous are normal
everyday feelings for the many moments in our lives.

We want to believe that we are always right
and that there is simply nothing wrong
and even if there were a problem,
we would much rather deal with ourselves.

We keep dramatic people in our lives.
People who serve little to no purpose but are always there
to make sure we fall hard without helping us get up.
We keep them there because it serves as a reminder.
We would much rather see someone else struggle
than to just admit our own defeats.

He looked over to the left, gazing at the sky,
remembering how those clouds had been formed.
There had been moments of self doubt along with
the false realization that life did not involve people.

As he looked over to the right
he began to see hope.
Hope for a better future.
Hope for remembering never to doubt himself again.

He knew that this process was far from over

oh yes he had been here before... patiently waiting...
The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be.

:)

I took some time this evening to read through some previous posts of mine.

What a whiny, morose, little bitch I've been. Pardon my french, but....seriously.

I worry far too much. Things will work out. They always do. Everyone has problems. Mine aren't that unusual or special. Suck it up, Lincoln.

Um....one thing I have realized over the past few weeks is that I have very good friends. Most of them are far away...and I don't see them that much, but I get the feeling they genuinely like me. They support me. They care about me. Thank you Ron. Thank you Jessie. Thank you Kathryn. Thank you Katie. Thank you Beth. Thank you Jeff. Thank you Alyson. Thank you Jenny. Thank you everyone. I will try to be happier and more upbeat from now on. I'm sure this whole "job hunt" thing (and I think it may be a long, drawn-out process) will cause me to whine more in the future...but I will try to stop worrying.

Before I go...one other tidbit.

This week, I got to see a horse veterinarian collect sperm from a stud stallion. The best part? I was standing next to two women. After it was over one of them said, "Phew....I feel like I need a cigarette."

Ahh...good times.

Video Vault

I've been meaning to post these for a while but haven't gotten around to it. They were pointed out to me recently. I'm sure many people have already seen them. If not...enjoy. And if you have...they're worth another look.

Que sera

It snowed in Bozeman this past weekend. Yeehaw! Despite previous ramblings on this blog about a love of summer...I truly am I four-season kind of guy. I had an amazing summer. But I'm ready for the snow to fly. I want to strap on my snowboard and get on the mountain. Bring it on Mama Nature.

Thanks to everyone who offered words of encouragement after my last blog entry. I appreciate it. I really do worry too much. I don't know how many times I've worried about something, and then eventually, things...just...worked...out. You'd think I'd learn from past experience. Nope. Whenever there's turmoil I just want my puny little brain to make sense of it IMMEDIATELY.

I think I've discovered the root cause of all my inner discombobulation. While I want to find a new job, I don't want to be kicked out of my old one. I was afraid of the timing not working out. Hopefully, that will be resolved this week. I talked things over with my managers and we reached a tentative agreement. Now it just has to be set in stone. I feel good about it. I'm not so anxious anymore.

As for the job hunt...still only two bites. I'm still evaluating them. No hurry though.

On a side note...I made roasted asparagus with goat cheese, bacon, and sauteed mushrooms tonight. Delicious.

Scrambled Intuition

I hate inner turmoil.

On one level I recognize that it's good for us. It challenges us. It helps us to grow. It teaches us things we didn't know about ourselves; all good things...but it doesn't make GOING through it any easier.

The job hunt has taken a turn. I should probably describe it as a "turn for the better" but I'm not so sure. The fact that it's become "real" and filled with distinct possibilities is more than a little frightening. I've applied for 25 jobs across the country. I got two bites near the end of last week. The specifics aren't important right now. Things will play out over the next little while and I'll just have to see where they go. The big problem for me is what these prospects have done for my mental state.

I don't like it when I can't figure things out. I don't know whether my reluctance to leave Montana is some deep part of my soul telling me I should stay here....or simply a fear of change. It's making me question everything I thought I knew about the paths we take in life. Although not very religious, I've always felt guided in a certain way. I've always just assumed the places I ended up were where I was supposed to be. My intuition (a higher power if you will) has given me accurate directions. As a result, I've assumed I could decipher what my intuition was telling me. I'm not so sure anymore. I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision. That fear is compounded when I consider my decision-making track record. For the past 6 years it's been very good. I don't want to screw up the winning streak.

I'm trying as hard as I can to process everything. I don't know if it's working. Just wish me luck.